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Welcome to the SafeHaven Forums
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Welcome to SafeHaven's message board, our online peer support group. We invite you to post your questions, comments, and/or abortion/crisis pregnancy experiences. Our staff of volunteers is willing and eager to support and encourage you without judging or condemning. Please don't be afraid to reach out. If you don't wish to post, feel free to email us privately.
SafeHaven is your community. Please use it. We care about you. You don't have to go through this alone.
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YOU WILL FIND THE REGISTRATION LINK AT THE TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER OF THIS PAGE.
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| Reply To Topic |
Topic: I saw the body and can't move on |
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Posted By naturelover on 09 Mar 2010 05:14 PM
This is my first time reaching out for support. Ive never told anyone about this, not even my boyfriend.
I had an abortion at 21 weeks, 1 year and 4 months ago. I'm 22 yrs old. I was supposed to have it before the 18th week but because of mistakes made by planned parenthood I had to wait. During the procedure, I looked down and saw a piece of my baby's body and I swear that I saw a hand. When the head nurse noticed that I was staring at it she freaked out and took over the procedure and kicked the other nurses out and apologized repeatedly.
This was the single most traumatic event of my life. I didn't want to have the abortion but I told myself that it wasn't fully developed and came up with other excuses for why it was an ok decision.
The only reason why I wanted to have the abortion was because of selfish reasons. I wanted to finish school, get a good job first, and I was worried what other people would think of me. My long term boyfriend said he was ok with whatever i chose, but I know he wanted to keep it.
When I saw the body everything changed. Now it wasnt just a cluster of cells anymore, it was an actual baby I killed. I killed my own baby. Like what kind of person does that?
I feel like i'm never going to get over this. I live in Berkeley, ca so to say the least ppl have been very supportive. But all my questions I feel can't be answered.
I was raised without religion at all. Never went to church, never read the bible. But I always wanted to believe in god and was always very open to the possibility of a god even as a young child.
I have so many questions. Have I damned my eternal soul? Do I have a right to have children when im ready? Do I have a right to my own life when I took another's life selfishly?
It is so HARD living everyday not knowing what my fate is. It's hard to know that no one has the answers and i'll never know my fate as long as im alive.
Ive gotten to the point where I don't think about it all day everyday anymore. But I'll never forgive myself. I feel like a murderer who doesn't deserve to be alive. I'm not suicidal, I would never kill myself. I just can't get that image out of my head, I can't tell you how much pain I still have.
I don't know what else to say. I feel like I could write another 100 pages.
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RE: I saw the body and can't move on |
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| Topic Review |  | |
Shades of blue
New Member
Posts:6
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| 20 Mar 2010 04:42 PM |
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naturelover, Please remember even if we were pressured into having our abortion because of whatever circumstance we were facing at that period in our life, we still gave the consent. So we still are the ones to blame for the choice we made concerning our baby.
We need to forgive ourselves so we can receive the healing we desparately need. Complete healing comes from us allowing ourselves to be healed. You need to speak to someone, a counsellor that will help you on the road to healing and forgiveness.
I'm still forgiving myself as I remember different things from my abortion.I was close to 20 weeks when I aborted and had to deliver the baby cause I was so far long. I went thru labour and gave birth by myself.I saw my baby boy, between my legs, lying there. The nurses attending me, left my baby there for over an hour so I would remember what I had done and never do it again. I just found out what type of abortion I had, I knew the name but never checked what it was or the effects it did to the baby. So I have a new layer of pain to peel off after realizing what I put my baby though, I was also just able to talk with the father of the baby and finally tell him the truth. It took 34 years for me to have enough courage to tell him.He thought it was his best friend's baby and never understood why I had betrayed him with his friend,which he knows now was just vicious rumours told to him. Deep down he fought with the confusion of thinking the baby might of been his and that somewhere there was a young man grown up looking for his true father. Just speaking to my ex brought up such painful memories and hurt and regret of what might of been if I had told him the truth and had made another choice.
I need to remember that every choice I make has an effect on someone and so I daily try to make right choices concerning myself and others. I daily need to choose to love myself and to forgive myself.
There is a God of Creation, that is the true God and He holds your life and your baby's in His hands. He knows your pain and suffering and He wants to heal you and release the pain from you. I pray you will meet with Him. I pray that you will find peace.Healing is a process and you have taken the first step by talking about your baby and your pain, keep taking the steps, keep seeking answers to your questions, keep seeking help for your pain. It will come. Hold on tight. I hope this helps you, I hope you get the help needed for you and your boyfriend. I ask God to meet with you and restore you. Shades of Blue. |
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Shades of blue
New Member
Posts:6
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| 20 Mar 2010 04:10 PM |
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bonniesue,
I like you still deal with all the effects of having my abortion, 34 years ago. I was raised going to church and believing in God but it was my mother who seeked the abortion out for me. She was disgraced by me and wanted it all gone.
I always believed that you were to obey your parents and honour them, out of fear of losing her love, I agreed to the abortion. I lost everything that I loved that day and still fight my self worth to this day.
I have accepted Jesus as my Saviour and believe He loved me then and now. Yet my trust for God to look after me, I still fight with along with trusting Christians and people in general. I find when I know more about "who God says I am" and "who God really is" and I continue to search God's word on these things, I begin to trust God more and love me more and forgive me. I will never forget, cause to me that's saying, my baby never existed and he did.
A good book I recommend to just know who you are in Jesus is "Who I AM IN CHRIST" BY Neil Anderson. Just keep repeating what God says you are till it grows roots deep within your spirit, when the accusations come, you can fight them with the word of God who you are, yes we made a huge mistake but God has restored us in right standing with Him. We need to believe His word stronger than we believe that we are not worthy. I pray YOU will find God's peace for yourself as you pray for other's. My heart breaks for your pain. God is able to restore us. Thru Christ's love, Shades of Blue. |
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bonniesue
New Member
Posts:2
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| 18 Mar 2010 02:33 PM |
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I too feel tremendous guilt and selfishness. i was saved at age 12, but as a teen I was very distant from God. i wanted to do like everyone else. When I was 21 i got pregnant. I remember being at the Health Dept. waiting int he doctors office for a result. She came in with a confused look on her face. I don't think she knew weither she should be happy or sad for me. She told me it was positive and I was numb. I think I remember her telling me there was help somewhere, I don't remember - it was like a dream. I didn't hear anything after she told me it was positive. My boyfriend really did not want me to have it and offered to pay for the abortion, but he would do what I wanted. I felt like such a disappointment to my parents and family, everyone had so much hope and ambition for me. I was supposed to be the one to make a difference, the "good" girl. I never let myself think of it as a real baby I was denial when I left the doctor. I kept saying, "This isn't happening to me." Just fix it and pretend it never happend. No on can know, no one will know. 22 years later, no on knows, just me, my best friend, and my husband, and of course God. I have lived with depression, social anxiety, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, severe mood changes. Like you I have no one to blame but myself. I have asked God for forgiveness and he has blessed me with it but I still can't forgive myself, I feel disgusting and unworthy of anything good. Please get this worked out or I'm afraid you will live your life under it for a long time. I don't want anyone to go through what I have been through.I will pray for you which is the best thing I can do. This is the first time I have ever told my story, so I think God is looking for you, wanting to hold you. Peace be with you. |
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naturelover
New Member
Posts:2
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| 15 Mar 2010 02:42 AM |
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I read all of the other posts. I feel both better and worse. Better because the few people who I have talked to who have had abortions didn't seem to care and told me they were just glad they could drink again. It was comforting to see that im not the only one who feels upset about what has happened.
But also bad because it seems like the majority of the women were pressured into the decision in some way. I on the other hand was not pressured by anyone but myself. If anything I felt pressure to keep it, since my bf wanted to keep it. I have no excuses for my selfish decision and I have no one to blame but myself. |
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KristyH
Posts:234
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| 11 Mar 2010 02:03 AM |
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| I am so sorry for what you have gone through with this. I too have had an abortion but I didn't go through it the same as you. I am a Christian and have been since the age of 7. So Christians make mistakes too. God is there and He does care about you. I know He has forgiven me and He will you too if you ask Him to. I have struggled with the same feelings as you have and I still do and it's been 4 years. I can't believe I could do something I didn't believe in. My husband didn't want a child and he talked me into it. I wish I would have been stronger and said no. I wish that every day, now that I'm 40 and trying to conceive with no luck so far for almost a year. I wish I could turn back time. |
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dila822
Posts:234
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| 10 Mar 2010 04:22 AM |
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| Dear Friend.....I am glad you are beginning to deal with this. There are so many things you need to hear. Please begin by reading every post in this site. You will learn a lot from the other women who have been through similar instances. I have not had an abortion, but I saw the destruction of my own mother's life after abortion. My passion is to help women like you. I am not a counselor, but I am a Christian. Everyone on here can help you with your quest for God. We have all been there and done that. Please keep yourself open. You can heal....it may be painful, but it will be worth it. Don't push this down inside of you. It will eat away at your soul and your body. Let me hear back from you after you have read the other posts. Where would you like to start....? |
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naturelover
New Member
Posts:2
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| 09 Mar 2010 10:14 PM |
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This is my first time reaching out for support. Ive never told anyone about this, not even my boyfriend.
I had an abortion at 21 weeks, 1 year and 4 months ago. I'm 22 yrs old. I was supposed to have it before the 18th week but because of mistakes made by planned parenthood I had to wait. During the procedure, I looked down and saw a piece of my baby's body and I swear that I saw a hand. When the head nurse noticed that I was staring at it she freaked out and took over the procedure and kicked the other nurses out and apologized repeatedly.
This was the single most traumatic event of my life. I didn't want to have the abortion but I told myself that it wasn't fully developed and came up with other excuses for why it was an ok decision.
The only reason why I wanted to have the abortion was because of selfish reasons. I wanted to finish school, get a good job first, and I was worried what other people would think of me. My long term boyfriend said he was ok with whatever i chose, but I know he wanted to keep it.
When I saw the body everything changed. Now it wasnt just a cluster of cells anymore, it was an actual baby I killed. I killed my own baby. Like what kind of person does that?
I feel like i'm never going to get over this. I live in Berkeley, ca so to say the least ppl have been very supportive. But all my questions I feel can't be answered.
I was raised without religion at all. Never went to church, never read the bible. But I always wanted to believe in god and was always very open to the possibility of a god even as a young child.
I have so many questions. Have I damned my eternal soul? Do I have a right to have children when im ready? Do I have a right to my own life when I took another's life selfishly?
It is so HARD living everyday not knowing what my fate is. It's hard to know that no one has the answers and i'll never know my fate as long as im alive.
Ive gotten to the point where I don't think about it all day everyday anymore. But I'll never forgive myself. I feel like a murderer who doesn't deserve to be alive. I'm not suicidal, I would never kill myself. I just can't get that image out of my head, I can't tell you how much pain I still have.
I don't know what else to say. I feel like I could write another 100 pages.
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