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Need Advice
Last Post 27 Jan 2009 01:17 AM by Libbyx3. 7 Replies.
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brucebaconUser is Offline
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18 Dec 2008 08:32 PM  
I don't even know where to begin.  I've been thinking about trying to get some help online for a while now and finally decided to get it.  I don't know if this is even the right forum, but hopefully someone will find it anyways.  I have no firsthand experience with abortion.  But my girlfriend has.  I don't mean to judge anyone else or tell them what they should believe, but I will tell you what we believe.  She thinks it was wrong.  She thinks it was the worst decision she ever made.  I tend to agree, although I wouldn't ever say it like that.  What I'm asking is:

What should I do to comfort her?
We're very serious and she knows I will love her no matter what happened in the past, that is why this came up in the first place.  But just telling her that doesn't seem enough.

And what can I do to help get over it?
It was always hard for me to try to work past her having sex before we were together.  This is even harder for me to come to terms with.  Does anyone have any advice on how I can learn to accept this and lose the feelings of shock that come over me sometimes?

Again, I'm not trying to judge anybody who has had an abortion.  I am just saying that she has changed from who she was and we are both conservative Christians.  And this has really been quite a shock to me and challenged the belief that I have always held that a person is not defined by their past.  Please give me any advice you have.
NancyUser is Offline
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19 Dec 2008 04:15 PM  
Hi bruce, I have just replied to your other post, I don't know which one you will read first.
Welcome to safehaven.
Have you had the opportunity to explore this site or any of the links on the sidebar? There is some stuff there that may guide you with some of your questions....I don't want to retype the stuff here. The section "For men" offers some guidance on relating to a woman who has had an abortion. One thing I will had is that many women who have had abortion have difficulty trusting people. Afterall, we have just fallen for a very BIG deception. If may not feel as though it is doing good or making headway, but you being constantly loving and faithful and encouraging will go a long way on the slow path to rebuilding trust.
The question about getting past previous sexual relationships and the abortion appear to be a matte of the heart to me. It appears to be about forigiveness and also about understanding and accepting all sin is sin to God. Often we humans tend to rank sin, some worse than others. Abortion can be right down there with the very bad ones. Like when you go down the Ten Commandments and think, well, at least I haven't murdered or committed adultery or any BIG sins. Well, bruce, when I go down the Ten commandments, I have literally transgressed every single one. Our real problem can be the thinking that one sin is worse than another. This so not true to God. If you have broken one commandment, you have broken them all. Sometimes we are overcome with shock to realize we are actually sinners. For many women, especially Christans, who have had abortions the thought pendulum swings to the other extreme. Often we feel the weight of the guilt and sorrow so much that we think what we have done is so bad that not even God can forgive this. These two different thoughts lines are actually the dark and darker sides of the same coin of pride. The answer to both is to humble yourself before the God who made us, to look at who you are for real, a sinner in need of grace and accept the grace and begin to live in grace and mercy. This is so much easier to say than it is to do. Living in grace for you girlfriend may mean that she acccepts the sacrifice of Jesus Christ is enough for even this, and she is not a worse sinner than anyone else. Living in grace for you may mean....I don't know....are you willing to wash her feet?

The "Resources" on the sidebar describe two Bible study guides by Linda Cochrane one for women entitled, " Forgiven and Set Free" and one for men entitled. "Healing a Father's heart." I am very familiar with the women's studay and highly recommend it. I understand the men's study is similiar. THere may be a pregnancy center in your area that offers groups studies using these guidles. Look for one using the optionline link. I also see the "Guys for Life" link has a new forum for guys. You may find so help there as well.

HIs mercy and grace keep you.
Nancy
brucebaconUser is Offline
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19 Dec 2008 04:35 PM  
Thanks again. Two quick responses to two posts. No, I haven't had much time to look through the site. I hate being the new person to a forum to ask the questions somebody else already has.

But about your answer: I know everything you have said. And I am glad you pointed out that it is easier to say than do. I know I am a sinner. I tell her that all the time whenever she tries to tell me I am perfect. I know that Christ paid the price for everyone, no matter what they did, and that I should forgive her. I know that no sin is worse than any other. I know that somebody should be defined by who they are now and not who they were because God lets all of that go. I guess what I mean to say is I know everything I should believe. But when that all turns into a real situation, it gets alot harder to put it into action. Most of the time I can spend days with her without thinking about it. But sometimes, those thoughts of "How could she actually make that decision?" creep into my mind and it is hard to shake them. And then I feel so selfish, because I know that whatever is going on inside her mind is something I can't even imagine. But that bad feeling and those judgmental thoughts are really hard to get rid of sometimes. I try though, and I always will. I really do love this girl and I believe that she is an incredible person. I just hope it gets easier for me to accept over time, but I am afraid that 'waiting it out' sounds like a bad way to deal with something.
NancyUser is Offline
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20 Dec 2008 03:31 PM  
I understand what it is like to have it all in your head, but have difficulty with making the transition to your heart and your hands. If you are having trouble wrapping your mind around how she could have made the decision imagine the difficulty she is having. For myself, I did not think of the reality of it for months/years/nearly decades. There came a day when God confronted me with the raw truth. My very first reaction when I heard someone talk about abortion out loud in a group was that I had to run out of the room because I thought I was going to vomit. Even now, with all the reading/talking/encouraging/studying/reading I have done for years, every once in awhile my heart freezes for a second and I know who I am. I am a person who bring vomit to my own throat. I have no hope but Jesus Christ. I would suggest you try two things. Read as many personal stories about abortion as you can stand. There are many posted here on this site. At www.silentnomoreawareness.org you can read testimonies or watch videos of people giving their testimonies about their experience. Taking in all many stories of the lives of people may expand your understanding of how it could be that she made this decision. The other suggestion that I have is that you pray to the Father that he would open the eyes of your heart that you may begin to see her as He sees her.
brucebaconUser is Offline
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21 Jan 2009 04:50 AM  
Sorry I have not responded. I was home for the last month and I try to leave this website off my history when I am around my family. But I thought a lot about your suggestions. Whenever I think about it, I just try to remind myself that I haven't been in that position and that I'm a sinner. It kind of works. I still have a feeling it is going to take a long time for me to really accept it, even if I do a great job of pretending I do for her. I wish that this didn't exist. But I guess that I will never feel as good about it as if that were true. I hope that makes sense. And I did find out that she still gets her checkups or followups or whatever from her doctor, so that was a big relief. I'm sure they know way more than I do about her physical condition. Anyways, I know this site isn't licensed help, but it was just nice to write it all out and get some response. We've known each other a long time, so we have mostly the same friends and I can't talk to them about it.
Libbyx3User is Offline
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21 Jan 2009 10:12 PM  
Hi Bruce,
I think you found the right site. I haven't been on here in a long, long time but still love to check in every now and again.
I can relate to your story just a little. I had my abortion way before I met the man I was to marry. I told him way before we got married that I had had and abortion. I know that he didn't really understand all that I felt, or even what he felt about that at the time. I think you need to honestly tell your girlfriend how you feel, but not until after you talk to God. Be sure, though, that when you pray that you take time to "be still" and listen to what God is telling you.

Get honest with God and tell Him the feelings you are experiencing. Are you really a sinner? or are you not as bad a sinner as your girlfriend?

Ps 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting

I think the best way to comfort your girlfriend is to be honest with her and let her know you are struggling with this issue. That way you can learn to pray together too.

Jas 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

The strongest relationships begin in prayer. Put God first in your heart and your hearts desire will be added unto you.

God Bless
Libby
brucebaconUser is Offline
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27 Jan 2009 12:05 AM  
That see-through, huh? That's all very good advice, and I really was hoping someone like you would find this and be able to relate. I know that in my heart, I don't think I am as bad a sinner. But I want to. I know I should. And I'm trying, but it is really hard to just accept something that I was so strongly opposed to for my entire life. Hopefully, if I keep trying to work through it, it will all work out and I'll be able to learn and see this the way I should. I guess you are also right when you say that I should talk to her. I've just been afraid to. I don't want to seem judgmental. She has so much to worry about on her own, and I know she does because she has told me she thinks about it everyday. I'm trying to be supportive of her, and I didn't want her to see how much it bothered me. I don't want her to think that I believe she is a bad person. And because of all that, I didn't want to say anything. But I guess it doesn't make sense to try to work through this without her being involved. Really, I appreciate the honesty.
Libbyx3User is Offline
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27 Jan 2009 01:17 AM  
I honestly think you will be very pleasently surprised at the outcome when you work through this together. A cord of three (God, you and your girlfriend) is not easily broken. There is definately a purpose for this relationship and I have a feeling you are about to learn a lot about your strength and God's love.

I'll be praying for you.
God Bless
Libby
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