I want to share a major revelation that I had a couple days ago regarding my guilt surrounding my abortion.  I hope this may help someone else stuggling with self-condemnation.  This is an excerpt from my journal:

I feel so much more at peace about my past now.  I feel like I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has forgiven me and He alone has the right to judge.  That means I am not to be concerned with what anyone else thinks of me.  My concern should be based around God's opinion of me.  I also realized that turning my life over to God and asking not for my will, but for His to be done, means I need to respect and trust His decisions.  God chose to send His Son to earth to die for my sins.  He chose to pay the price, in full, so that I may be forgiven.  I need to respect His decision to forgive me.  If I respect His decision and recognize that He alone has the right to judge, how can I condemn myself for my abortion?  I'm not saying that it was ok, but rather that it is for God to deal with, not me.  God is the judge of my life; He will decide how to deal with my sin.  It is not for me to condemn.

In a way I feel as though my abortion has become a block between me & God.  It's almost become an idol to me because I value it and my right to punish myself above God.  My clinging to the self-condemnation had become an idol for me and thus was causing me to sin.  I feel at peace now because I truly feel that I am God's.  All of my hurts, all of my pain, all of my experiences, past, present, and future belong to God.  I am His.  His will be done.

Kelly I admire your conviction, and dream of the day when I can embrace His forgiveness as my own. I know I will, and by sharing your revelation, you have given me more to hope for than ever.

I have known that self condemnation is sinful for some time. Yet I have been unable to release myself from that bond. I guess what I still struggle with is thinking that somehow i'm supposed to feel punished...maybe I am punished I don't know.

What you are saying is not anything that I haven't heard, but apparently it's taking longer to sink in for me!! Darn thick-headedness!!

In any event, I'm proud of you for how far you have come! Thank you so very much for sharing this. I'm going to read it over and over and maybe somehow I will see what you see, and know what you and so many others know! I'm not giving up...

~Swede

Kelly just reading what youu wrote sounds so uplifting i wish i looked to God artfer my abortion nine months ago this is my second reply thing so im not sure how to do all this yet but can someone explain self condemnation more like what is it?

here is definition of condemn from dictionary.com

–verb (used with object) 1. to express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure.
2. to pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment: to condemn a murderer to life imprisonment.
3. to give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring: His acts condemn him.
4. to judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service: to condemn an old building.

I think, bigkitty, self-condemnation is a combination of definitions 1 and 2 and/or 4. Self-condemnation mostly takes place inside our mind and heart. It can manifest itself on the outside to be seen by others as well. In the midst of self-condemnation what I do is have a whole cycle of thoughts about what a bad person I am, how deficient and incapable I am, etc. This thought process is and a dark spiral going ever inward and deeper. It is filled with critical thoughts of myself and broadens into me imagining the critical thoughts others are having about me (no doubt the reality is that they are not even thinking about me at all!) In the case of abortion or similiar significant downfall, one might review over and over again the details of the incident and how one has failed. Self-condemnation for me included denying myself things because I did not deserve it. For example not taking care of my health, not buying nice clothes I could afford. Some women also engage in self-destructive behaviors...promiscuity, drug abuse, self-abuse. It is a way of telling yourself and the world that you are worthless.

Hope you find that helpful

Remembering the words of St. Paul to the Church in Rome long ago:

Romans 8 NIV
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Rom%208&version=NIV

1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a]

2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

More Than Conquerors
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Psalm 103 NIV

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

Micah 7 NIV

18 Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.

19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Casting Crowns: East to West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo

Audio Adrenaline: Ocean Floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyupDI0k86w