It;s been several years since i have posted, I had our 4th baby sept 2008,I was on a road to healing, I was able to accept forgiveness and thought I was doing okay. Until....my husband who is a firefighter had to become a paramedic for promotional purposes and back in December he was doing clinicals. Here is where the issue came in...when he told me he had to work Labor and Deliver for a few shifts I went into an aweful,ANGRY,uncontrollable depression. I even went as far as to tell him that I hoped that every woman he came in contact with reminded him that our child is dead! I went back to my counselor (she is a christian and I am saved) and we dug and I relized that although I had tried to move on, I had major unforgivness towards my husband. (we were 17, didn't know what we were doing and I told him I never wanted to talk about it again....19 years later God brought it up to me for healing)
so since december I still have all of this pent up anger. This is so not like me at all, I am a caring, compassionate, loving mom and wife.
I am fine on the days when he is home but like today while he is at work all of the bad feelings creep back in. We have talked about it and went together for counseling and we are able to talk about the abortion but I can't bring myself to tell him how angry I am and how I have held this in so long. my "thoery" is why should we both feel this bad?
I can't let go, I only look forward to the day I can go to heaven and see my little boy. I feel like I am just playing mom here and my children deserve to have all of me. I thought each time I had a baby it would ease the pain but it doesn't. I still can't be around friends who are pregnant. and especially if it is a mutual friend of me and my husband. It's like "how dare you be happy for her, you let me kill our baby!"
I know I am rambling but I need to get past this. Yes, I pray and go to church but I can't find comfort in that.
anyone help?
cindy
momof5

Dear Cindy,
Thank you for the honor of sharing your story and heart with us. Sorry it took so long for someone to reply to you, forgive us. I am grieving and angry with you. I understand. Thank you for sharing about your faith with us. Have you ever prayed about going to a post abortion recovery group? They reach out to women and men that are suffering with post abortion syndrome. Men always handle grief differently than we do. It may not seem that your husband is suffering from the abortion, but he is. Check out our resource page for abortion recovery groups. There is also a couple of websites that I can refer you to. If you live in Texas, we have the www.texasabortionrecoveryalliance.org and I also know the director of ARIN, which is:
www.abortionrecoveryinternational.org
Keep in touch, I am praying for you,
Nona

Nona, Thank you for your reply.
funny thing,, since I had posted I have been looking into attending Rachels Vinyard for us as a couple. Maybe this is God "nudging" me. Though I have been through forgiven and set free bible study as well as been in counseling there is still some unresolved feelings. (obviously) The lord started back in December telling me "you still have unforgivness towards your husband" I thought, NO I don't!!! well, as usual....he knows more than we do. It has taken me months to actually pin point where this unforgivness is. I had thought because we went to counseling and he heard my heart that that was enough but my counselor told me until I hear his heart and how he really felt that I will not be able to get this anger under control. As women our minds just "wander" I may be thinking somthing totally off corse with him. I have shared that I always feel like one of my children is missing and he said to me with tears in his eyes, "I know exactly how you feel, I do too" so I know he feels deep regret and romorse as well, he even once said "I will always feel like crap over it" so maybe he needs to go through the process of healing like I did, we need to do this together. We have been married 18 years and have 4 awesome children and really a beautiful marriage, we just need to get this out and deal with it as a couple. I feel like this is the next and hopefully the last step in complete healing.
one more thing, and this is for anyone with tihs experience....my oldest son will be 18 next week and I have thought about telling him about the abortion only because I had been a terrible mother to him in his early years, not abusive or anything but I had a hard time bonding with him at first bc of the realization of "he wasn't the one I lost" I had thought he could replace the other one. so while my actions was of a loving, caring, mother, he saw right through me. He is very gifted with discernment, he has always known something wasn't quite right with me. I was mentally just "checked out" so I feel that I owe him an explanation. My fear is that he will not forgive me or understand how deeply the abortion wounded my soul. He is very strong minded in the sense of he doesn't understand how events can affect a persons life, he feels that everyone can just move on! (part of be a teenager and knowing everything!)
any advice?

Thanks to all,
Cindy

Thank you Cindy for coming back to respond. I am so proud of you for already going through Forgiven and Set Free. That is the healing group that I went through as well, but I also went through Oil of Joy, which is really awesome. I went through it as a care leader in the women's prison here in Texas. I think it is an awesome idea for you and your husband to go to Rachel's Vineyard together or whatever group you decide to attend. I was going to recommend that to you, but I wasn't sure how you would feel about it. I also completely agree with you telling your son about the abortion. Maybe you could pray about you and your husband telling him together? The Lord will speak through you and give you the words to say in the hour that you need to say them. Your son will respect you more if you tell him than if you were to keep it from him. Alot of times children know when they have a sibling that is missing. The Holy Spirit sometimes reveals that to them. May the Lord give you boldness to do what He is calling you to do. I am praying for you and your husband and family.
Love,
Nona

Dear Cindy
i just want to say that what you went through i am going through the same thing with my boyfriend who was the father of my baby. I feel anger towards him and im actually in the same position you were in that one of our mutual friends is pregnant and he is so happy for them and so excited and i cant believe that he is acting that way and with our child he seen it as a disturbance. as well as i cant be around pregnant women because the pain is still there and i wish i could be the one who would be able to have my baby next to me

I remember going through similar as regards one of my former ab dads. One day I was reading Sydna Masse's book, Her Choice to Heal. The book was quite helpful, but the epilogue was of special note. It just touched me to the core...I started bawling reading it. It opened the floodgate of pain I held within. I present that epilogue for you...:

EPILOGUE by Steve Arterburn, President and Founder, New Life Clinics

You may have some very strong feelings about me because of past treatment from men or perhaps how your father raised you. Many men do not have a good record when it comes to our treatment of others.

I am writing to you because I am one who pressured someone much like you into having an abortion. I made sure she knew I would not be there for her and the baby if she chose to have it. I never gave her one ounce of hope that I could be swayed to commit to her or the child that I had helped to create.

I became an iron wall of resistance to any thought of becoming a responsible man, husband, or father. Even the idea of her having the baby and placing it up for adoption was an insult to the plans I had contrived for myself. That wonderful young lady and that baby growing in her womb were of little significance to me, compared to the grand plans I had for myself. I wanted this inconvenience out of the way and did everything I could to insure that the abortion took place. It did, and although I have received Christ's forgiveness that has freed me from this horrible choice, to this day I live with a painful regret that my child, our children, never was and never will be.
When I have spoken about the abortion to other men, they have often told me about their experiences. Some have wept openly in my arms. They, too, have feelings of doubt, regret, and shame. They have paid a stiff penalty for a choice that is so easily made in haste. They too have expressed their desire to undo the unimaginable. Like me they now look forward to a day in heaven when they can be with the child that was meant to be, but never was. The fellowship of their suffering is little comfort to me. It is only confirmation that many men like me owe women like you a great debt of apology and need to make restitution.

I write these words as a small offering to you from all men who shirked their duty and lived the life of common irresponsibility. Please forgive us where we have failed you.
God will restore you and renew your strength. You can trust God with your pain, your fears, and your future. When you experience His grace, you will be surprised by God. You will be amazed at His strength and astounded by His gentleness.

My hope for you is that Her Choice to Heal has been a book of truth and healing. I pray that you have found a new life and future in the arms of a God of not just second chances, but One of third, fourth, fifth, and beyond. I pray that you will move beyond what you have done and into what God can do through you. Take the comfort you have been given and commit your life to dispersing comfort to those who find themselves locked in similar situations.

Truth and grace from the God who has loved even the thought of you for millions of years.

May Jehovah-Rapha (God My Healer) do a great work in you...

Shalom...

LO

Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.