I had my abortion about 3 months ago. There is really no way to describe the hurt I feel inside. Everyday I wish I could turn back time and change what I did. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what my baby would have turned out to be. When I see babies, I want to cry. When my friends talk about people having babies I get jealous and wish it was me...
I don't know if any of these feelings are normal or they even make sense. I have been struggling with my guilt and hatred for myself these past 3 months. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I can talk to my boyfriend, but he really doesn't understand exactly how i feel, he didn't have the baby inside of him. He just doesn't understand. He feels like we made the right choice for ourselves but I'm not so sure...
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and are both in college. I'm 19 and he is 20. We put ourselves before our child and decided we were not ready to have one. We both do not have jobs and just rely on our parents for money. At the time we thought it would have been impossible for us to take care of another life. But when I look back at it now I feel like I made a selfish decision. I could have took a few years off of school and worked. Maybe if we told our families they would have been supportive and helped us? But we were too scared.. Everyday I am always asking myself these what ifs....
I am just so confused and so hurt I don't know where to turn. I am beyond depressed at this point. Please someone let me know that someday I will be okay...

((((katie))),
My heart is full of prayers for you as I know the hurt that is deep inside. The hurt that is so hard to even express into words. My abortion was over 25 years ago and yet the pain I felt afterwards never leaves completely. However, there is hope and there is healing. Although, I will always rememember the pain I felt, the joy in forgiveness I carry today is what I now choose to hold on to.

I had similar reasons when I chose abortion so many years ago and it took a long time to even admit that my choices were wrong. You have found the right place to share these feelings and receive complete acceptance of love and compassion. You will not be judged, only accepted.

Please join our evening chats, you can find the schedule on the chat page of our site. I also encourage you to read through the pages of this site and find out the steps towards healing. You are not alone and there is hope!

Prayers and Love,
Carla

Katiie.....Carla is right. Recieve forgiveness and hold on to it. I just wrote a long letter to someone on another chat. I am going to copy/paste it here for you to read. Please receive God's Grace and Forgiveness. Di


19 Jan 2010 03:59 AM EditEdit QuoteQuote ReplyReply AlertAlert
Ladies.......it is wonderful that you are posting your feelings and opening up about the loss you are feeling. All I can say is that it is most important that you forgive yourself. That is the key to recovery. It is hard for some women to accept God's forgiveness when they can't forgive themselves.

I knew a woman who never forgave herself. She had an abortion back in the 1950's when abortion wasn't legal. She was a Christian who felt desperate and took matters into her own hands. Because of her shame, she couldn't ask for help. She spent the rest of her life....about 50 years....smoking, drinking, and severly depressed. She had one health problem after another. She had panic attacks, agoraphobia, bleeding ulcers, asthma, and finally cancer and emphysema. She suffered for 20 years with breathing problems before she died at age 71. She could never go to church without crying. She never went on vacations with her children because of her fear of leaving home. She couldn't participate in her other two childrens lives. She had no life. She litterally wanted to die. Her guilt consumed her. I know this woman because she was my mother. I prayed most of my adult life that God would tell me WHY she was the way she was. I got that answer on her death bed. Hooked up to a respirator, she confessed to my brother and myself by writing what she could in a notebook. The wrote the words.......heaven and brother....and abortion. We couldn't figure out what she was saying. She died that day. Later my mothers last sister who was living told me (after I told her what mother was writing) that mother had an abortion when she was very young. It was a huge family secret...a secret that divided and almost destroyed our family.

I beg you not to do this. Get help. Go for counselling. There are so many wounded women out there just like yourself. Accept God's forgiveness. He loves you. You say you are Christian. You must know that jesus died on that cross for ALL your sins, past, present and future sins. All sins were paid for with his blood. All you have to do is admit your sin, and accept His blessed forgiveness. Jesus suffered and died for YOU. Once you get a handle on that, you will be free. Please go to counselling.

Thank you so much to both of you for your kind and encouraging words. I know one day I will forgive myself, and hopefully God will forgive me too..I suppose it will just take time...
As for Dila your story really touched me...I am so sorry what your mother had to go through for never forgiving herself. I now hope I can grasp the power of forgiveness.
I can relate to this because I have been acting destructively ever since my abortion. I have been pushing away the ones i love the most, mainly my boyfriend, the father of the baby. I have been drinking heavily. I have let it consume my life, and all my thoughts. I think I'm selfish for having the abortion, but I am also acting selfishly by not caring about myself and the other ones around me.
Now I am going to try so hard to do well in school (I want to be an elementary school teacher) work out this relationship I have shattered with my boyfriend and just try to be the best person I can be. And when I am ready to have children I am going to be the best mom in the world...However I will never forget my little child in heaven who I hope can forgive me as well.
Thank you to both of you for being so kind to me and take the time to tell me both of your stories. They have really touched me and helped me on my journey to forgiveness. It may be long, it may take a lot, even counseling, but I am willing to do anything to make myself whole again.

Katiie........sorry to be so many days in writing you back. I have been under the weather and busy trying to catch up. I am so glad to see you responded to my letter. You have made me feel like I did something for my mother. How I wish I had known why she was suffering. We should never keep secrets. You can see how dangerous that is. It is important that you talk to other women about this..... Women who have been where you are and understand.
In my mother's day, there was no help. There was only shame and intolerance. You have many resources at hand. It is very important that you get help to work through this. I don't know where you live, but you must seek help. If you can't afford counselling, call local churches and ask for help. Some may not know how to help you, but some will. God will direct your path.
Forgiveness is a Gift from God. All you have to do is accept it. He loves you and wants to help you. He is your only hope. I know that for sure.
Don't try to do this on your own. If you have a Crisis Pregnancy Center, call them.
Use this to help other women who have done the same thing. That is something you can do for your baby. Women contemplating abortion will listen to you. You can turn this thing around to glorify God. When that happens, you will surely be set free.

How are you today? How is your relationship with your boyfriend? How can I help you?

Di

Dila,
Today I am okay. My relationship with my boyfriend is really hard, but we are trying to make it work. After this happened I was so upset, and it seemed to me like he didn't even care. This had been going on ever since it happened..he didn't understand why I was so upset, how I couldn't just get over it and ask God for forgiveness. Well he finally has broke. He held all of his hurt inside, and finally it all came out yesterday. So now I am trying to help myself heal as well as him..and its hard to say the least.
It feels really good for someone I don't even know to care about me and ask me how they can help. It really makes me feel good to know someone is there to talk and care for me, because I don't really have anyone to talk to..I have been too ashamed to tell many people... This website has helped me get some of my feelings out and I am grateful to have a resource such as this. I want to seek counseling, I am in college right now so I have basically no free time, but during the summer when I go home I am planning on going to see a counseler.
Also I know of a pregnancy crisis center near me. How would I go about going there? Are they a church group? I would love to tell women my story, and how hurtful abortion is. I will not be one of those people who will tell women what to do...but I will tell them my experience and hopefully I can help someone else from going through the hurt I have been through.
Thanks again Dila

<3 Katie

Katie...it is so good to hear from you. I think it is good that your boyfriend has come to terms with the abortion. It is hard for a man to understand the feelings that a woman has even after many years of marriage. You are both young and have a lot of life ahead of you. It will take you some time to work through this, and I am glad you have him to work with you. Be honest with one another.

Regarding the Crisis Pregnancy Center......It is not a church group. But most of the women who work there are probably Christian/Catholic. Call them on the phone and tell them your story. They will guide you to the right kind of help. Call them tomorrow and just ask. It's free. They probably need someone who could help out at the CPC.
They train their own counselors. There are many jobs there besides counselling.
Call them and get back to me. I will be praying for you. Diane

HI. I'm sorry this trauma ever touched your life, dear. Its been almost two yrs, (wow) for me & I still have my days when I cry from deep down in my soul for my little one...So sorry for your pain, just wanted to say, I can relate...