I had an abortion last August, and if I knew it was going to cause me this much long term pain, I never would have gone through with it. I ended up getting pregnant by mistake. I, along with the father, am a Marine. He was in the process of getting out and moving back to Texas. One thing led to another, and there I was pregnant with orders to Virginia. I was prepared to happily have the baby. When he didn't want me to have the baby and said he wished it would die, my heart broke. He wouldn't give me a family medical history or anything. I look him up on Facebook every now and again, and it seems like he's happy as can be, but I'm still in hell. It seems like he's not even phased. I hate him more than anything and I've told him so. I've told him I hope every girl he sleeps with and dates is a failure, because that's what he is. I feel like what he did to me was the worst form of betrayal and evil I could experience. A part of me is a bit hopeful I will find someone I can love in the future and have a family. The other part of me is sooooo fearful that God will punish me, and I won't be able to have any kids in the future, and I'll be alone forever. It happens. I am planning a baby shower for a friend, because she is in the military like me and away from her family. While I am happy to do it, I can't get too immersed in the details, because I start to cry. More than anything, I feel this overwhelming hate toward men and can't help but think all of what I've been through will happen again. I know I have to learn from my mistake and choose better, and then it won't happen again. But, it's easier said than done. I feel so bitter, angry, and hateful, and there's nothing I can do to make it better.

As much as I hurt and think I regret the abortion, I kinda feel like it was the best decision I could have made at the time. I was soooo hurt after what the father told me and felt more alone than anything. I really wish I had taken more time to think about the decision. What does it really mean to be sorry about the decision? At times, I can't believe I was capable of such a thing, but at the same time, kids should belong to two parents who at least want them. They don't have to be married or even go around each other...the parents should both at least just want them. While I did, he didn't. Coming from a broken home myself with a Father who is still not a part of my life, I wondered what pain I might be subjecting my baby too...too confused for words.