I will try to get to the point and explain my story.Because this is my last hope for some guidance or advice.

April 11, 2006 I had an abortion.
I was 22 years old.
I was in a long term relationship with my childhood bf, we talked about marriage (so hoped for an engagement soon).
We had our communication problems though. He was very immature, just finishing trade school.
So when we found out I was pregnant, we weren't ready. I however wanted the baby. I'd day dream about it. But of course I was scared, confused, felt a lot of pressure. There were plenty of reasons at that time I ultimately decided on an abortion. I regret it to this day. I had ideas for baby names.
I loved my bf so much. I knew our baby would've been beautiful. But I did what seemed like the logical choice at that time.
I went through major PTS. Major Depression.
I had to take a personal medical leave from my job. I went to seek professional help, was put on medication. I cried so much. SO deeply and hard. I felt like I was falling and sinking sometimes. It was horrible. I couldn't forgive myself. And this of course made my relationship really fall apart. One day while my bf was at work, I closed all the windows and doors, and left the gas on. I waited to die. And as "fate" would have it, that day he decided to come home on his lunch break. He usually never does. He found me laying on the kitchen floor. We never talked about that incident since then. I won't get into the details of how I spiraled worse. Just a few "high notes", I started drinking badly, got a DUI and nearly killed myself and my passenger, totally my car.
I finally left my bf because it was just too painful. He put up a wall. I finally found this site, Safehavenministries. It helped me to heal and to learn to forgive myself. I gues I never really could forgive myself though.
I still struggled with my feelings. And now to more presently: I moved away, and tried to start a different life.
God was there. I went to church.
But I still struggled. Then I got laid off, and my coworkers (who were my church friends also, thanks to a good company I used to work for) I just started to lose touch with. I got involved in a semi abusive (emotional,verbal) relationship and it isolated me.
I stayed for over 2 years.

I finaly broke away. But started to drink again. Date again.
I ended up in a casual "relationship" with a male friend.
And now, I'm pregnant again.
7 weeks.
I never thought I'd be in this position.
I'm now at a dead end job (after being laid off and the economy right now). I never went back to school like I promised myself.
I'm not ready, emotionally or stability wise.
I consider myself alone in this.
I'm scared, confused. And dealing with the phsyical symptons of being pregnant. Hormones, fatigue, sickness.
Sorry I feel like I'm just complaing and full of excuses for my situation.
I'm writing because, I have an appointment for abortion this saturday morning 11/21/09.
I also have an appointment for my first prenatal visit 12/2/09. I've been struggling with making a choice for the past 5-6 weeks since I found out.
I've considered adoption also. I feel like a horrible selfish dispicable human being, but I don't know if I can carry a pregnancy to term, give birth, and give it away for another family to raise it and have to live with this the rest of my life, and those close to me knowing also.
But I must admit I don't know if I can live with another abortion.
I had a attachment to my first pregnancy. To this one , I honestly do not yet, not really.
But knowing I have to experience another abortion. Realizing I'm in the same situation I was in 3 years ago. I hate myself. And I'd rather just die. My will to live through this is weak. I don't know what to do.

Hello?

((((Victoria))))
Maybe you know that in the book of Deuteronomy in the Bible (chapter 30 verse 19) the Word says "Choose life". Perhaps you do not know that a few verses ahead of that (Deut 30:11) , God says, " Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach."
Read back over your own story, what good has come of your abortion? There are not any easy choices. You already know what abortion is and what is not. It is not a solution. Reach out an take hold of the courage our heavenly Father has for you. He has not left you. He will not leave you.
I have an appointment at an abortion clinic tomorrow. I will not be going inside. I will be standing on the sidewalk praying for my sisters who come. I will be praying for you Victoria that you will be contemplating the gift of life. You have plenty of time to rethink this. You know it is an irrevocable, life-changing decision.

Thank you. I'll pray.

Dear Victoria
hi. a very long time ago, March 7, 1972 to be exact i had an abortion. I have been living with the guilt everyday since then. Years ago i found this web site and it virtually saved my life, but the time i found it i was sucidial and on the verge of a nervous breakdown but was lucky enough to talk to carla for hours. that is not what i am writing for.
fast forward about 13 years and i found myself married with 2 small children and not wanting anymore but there i was pregnant again. i made the decission to not go through with it after all i figured i was already condemned to hell and was never going to find peace so why bother. just go ahead an do it. I went so far as to get on the train to go and get an injection that would end the pregnancy. luckly i got ill on the train and had to get off. i never went though with it.
that baby my little girl is now 25 and the joy of my life. let me also tell you taht all 3 of my daughters knwo about my son that i aborted. 3 years ago my dauther that i almost aborted found herself pregnant no job in college and no husband. she went through with her pregnacy, which was terrible.. when i asked her why she wen tthough with it her decission was simple she told me.
she said. she didnt want to be like me.. always wanting to hold my son and never being albe to. she didnt want to spend the rest of her life wanting something so badly and never being able to have it. i didnt even know my granddaughters fathers name at the time. but it's the exact same name that i had given my son. it was at that moment that i knew truly that God was trying to tell me to live my life He had forgiven me long ago.
Victoria today is Saturday the day you had the appointment so i dont knwo what you chose but remember this.
God knows us before we are born. we are born with free will and the choices we make come as a surprise only to us. God already knows what decission we will make and how our lives turn out. we may no know His plan for us but He does.
i am a practicing roman catholic and go to church every week actually a few times if i can and that only started after a few hours of talking to a priest that i knew and even that took me 6 years to get up the courage to actually talk to him about it. God has been with me every single second of my life no matter how terrible i thought i was He still loved me.
no matter what your decisson was today remember that God already knew what was going to happen. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you.
if you chose abortion you are now living with uncontroble guilt and hatred for yourself. I pray you forgive yourself becaseu God already has. If you chose not to go today then congrulations i pray your child gives you at least one tenth of the joy my daughter has given to me. becaseu if you are lucky enough to get that you will have a full life because my life is overflowing with joy. you should see my granddaughter by this child. a more perfect child i can not imagine.
much love
marieelena

Hi Victoria
How are you doing today?

Hi Victoria
i see that you never came back to see what was written for you. or if you did you never posted anything on the page.
if you did go through with the abortion please honey i beg you come back.
there is no one here who will in anyway make your hurt more. the women here all come for the same reason . we have all had abortions, we have all had to deal with the emotion turmoil that comes from it.
the women here in the chat room be they moderators of just someone who came looking to talk to someone . they will talk to you. they will help you. i swear this really is a safehaven and no one will say or do anthing to you that will make you feel even worse than you do now. there is supposed to be on sundays a moderator named carla. she was the one who i spoke to when i found this place. she saved me from killing myself becasue of all the guilt. she gave me back my life. or at least she gave me the first steps that i needed to get my life back. she is the one who taught me to try to forgive myself and take the gift of life that God gives us all.
i hope to see you in a chat room but i dont usually come in often. i find the older i get the less time i have to myself for some reason. but if you see carla talk to her. all the moderators and memebers are wonderful to talk to. i just owe my life to carla and think she can help anyone.
if you want to email me privetly at austin4241@yahoo.com and jsut put safehaven in the regarding page. i will answer you right away.
i pray you are doing okay and that you come back
much love
marieelena