I'm 24...this is the first time I've admitted my abortion to anyone other than Jesus Christ. I was engaged to be married. I thought he was perfect. He was a licensed preacher, I am a recent college graduate. We had everything going for us. We slipped up 2 times before the wedding, and one of those times I concieved. He and I were on a break when I found out, because I had found out he was still talking to exes. I was alone, scared, and so sorry for my sins of premarital sex. I had no job, even with my degree i've not been able to find work, he is younger than me and was working part time at a Christian book store. We don't come from money, I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to provide for my child. We got back together when I told him I was pregnant but nothing changed, he just kept hurting me and I still couldn't find work. I have NEVER contemplated abortion before this I was scared but I wanted to keep my baby, but one day after a fight with him, Satan dug into me and I let him. I didn't want my baby to have an abusive "preacher" for a father, or a mom like me who can't even find a job. I knew my choice was wrong but I let evil overwhelm me and I went to the clinic to get information and they took me in that very day. I wish I had taken time and let God convict and speak to my heart. I hate myself. I love God so much. I always thought the only people who have abortions were non Christian women. Now I know that's not true. Everytime I see a baby I feel like a knife is in my heart...I can't even understand how I went through with something so evil because I was so selfish. All I could think of was how was I going to take care of a precious baby with no help and "what will people think of me being active in my church, having a baby, no job, and supposedly loving God"...I should have only cared what God would think. I made a horrible choice. I know God loves me, but I am just so sorry that I'll never see my child. Scripture is unclear as to whether or not it is certain that aborted babies go to heaven. I want my child to be with God and to forgive me. I have no place in heaven if my child who committed no wrong isn't there. I just wanted to tell this story. I am a horrible sinner. I need prayer.

Dear hurting one,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. It is an honor to read your testimony. You are very brave to share and ask for help.
Psalms 139 talks about the baby in the womb and gives us confidence and comfort of where our babies come from and where they go when they are innocent. Second Samuel 12:13-23, talks about the loss of a baby, and that the baby would be in Heaven, and the father knew that he would see that baby in Heaven.
Take time to read these when you get an opportunity. Psalms 51 is good also in this healing process of your heart.
My prayer for you:
"Father God, in the Name of Jesus, I lift up my sister to You and ask that You would bring Your peace and comfort to her breaking heart. Love on her, Jesus, like only You can. Hold her and tell her that she is forgiven and You still love her as much as you ever have, even more so now, that she has opened her heart up to You in desparation. Thank You, my Lord, for giving her the healing that she needs to continue loving You and living for You, even in a greater way than ever before. Use her for Your glory and turn everything bad in her life around for Your good.
In Jesus' Name, Amen"
Your sister in Christ,
Nona
www.eaglesrestoration.com

Thanks for your reply. I have read these verses many times since my sin and have thought about David's words from the first time I wondered if my child would be there. I guess I just have had doubts because some of the preachers and accountability group in my life have said thay it isn't 100% clear. But I believe that if it's prophesied that it is. I can't stop crying. I don't deserve his grace, I certainly don't deserve the Kingdom. I know that in heaven there will be no anger but i'm so scared that my child will not greet me. I want to hold him or her so badly. I hate myself so much. I want to go home now and be with God and my child. I read the Word every day and I am dealing as best I can by His imputed strength but the more I read the more I want to go to Him now. I know I should feel this way, I should want to stay here and spread the gospel, but I no longer feel worthy to testify. Everyone in my church misses the Bible Study I use to lead, but now...I don't feel like I can. If there's ever been a day that i've thought you could lose your salvation, it'd be that day. I know scripturally it promises that to be impossible, if we are indeed His, but now all I can think is how could I have been His and let myself walk away from the spirit that day and do what I did...of course as soon as it was over all I wanted was God, but me choosing that sin, was choosing evil over Christ. What do you think I should do? I feel the love and spirit in me but I just don't know if i'm fooling myself. Not to put myself on his level but I feel like i'm having an opposite Road to Damascus experience. I'm not Saul to Paul i'm Paul to Saul. (not that I was ever on Paul's level but this is how i'm feeling). My ex still gets to preach and he acts like it doesn't even matter that our baby is gone and that he left me after he promised forever. Now I have a dress and a ring and all of his lies and my sin and hurt. I want to love him as a brother and not want him to hurt but it's so hard. I don't understand how easy this all is to him. Thank you for your prayers and continue them please, I want to live a life for His glory but I don't know how it's possible when I don't want my life at all.

Thank you for your honesty. The Lord honors you for being so transparent with your feelings. I know that you have given all of this to Him and that you trust Him with your heart. The things that you are feeling are what all of us have felt also after making the wrong choice of abortion. Please pray about seeking help with an abortion recovery group. We have a resource page that can help you and there is also a National Helpline:1-866-482-LIFE
or go to their website
http://www.nationalhelpline.org/
or email them
nationalhelpline@yahoo.com that you can call and I think they can send you a packet in the mail that will help you with the next step in your heart healing process. Healing comes layer by layer and I know that you want to be healed, because I hear it in your words. Don't give up, my sister, Help is on the way.
Love you,
Nona

Thank you Nona. Your words are far more than just words to me. I thank God that some people like yourself understand the love of Christ and choose to love me and encourage me instead of condemn me. I hope I can be there for someone too one day. This site has helped me, but it also scares me to see how nonchalant some people are about sin. There is no other word. It is sin. It is never "the right thing to do", but the pagan thing to do. We should never seek sin because we know we'll be forgiven, but rather seek to be forgiven because we know we are sinners. I think there's a difference. And I think society is fooling so many people into a false Christianity. Thanks so much for modeling what REAL faith is. I needed you and God provided. Praise our faithful Lord. I will always miss my baby so much...but he or she is in the arms of the Father now and that brings me so much joy. I hope that one day I will forgive myself...I am praying for all these young ladies on here who are struggling just as I am. Continue your work Nona. We need it.

I am a horrible sinner.

This is true of me. I think, though, that I did really, deep inside of my soul understand that we all fall short of the glory of God, that we are all horrible sinners. I was always kind of a goodie-two-shoes, never doing stuff that was really bad. Until abortion, that is on the really bad list. How did I do it? I am sinner. Only the grace of God himself is sufficient for this, and, love, it is indeed sufficient for this. Abortion is not the unforgiveable sin. I think now the Father will work in your heart because so much is clear now in the face of the stark reality of abortion.
This man who let you down is not your God. Our will never let you down or disappoint you. In the long run, honoring God is the only thing that will satisfy you.
And, yes you will have a trememdous testimony of unending mercy and unmerited favor of the heavenly Father. Just as soon as you step into his forgiveness and live there.

Mercy and grace,
nancy