I had my abortion 5-1/2 years ago, I was about 10 weeks along. The father who is now my husband, could not make a committment to me to help my with the baby, and I was already a single mother to my oldest son who was 5 at the time. Honestly I didn't feel like I had any other choice, I couldn't afford another child on my own without any support.
We eventually did get married after all and now I have 2 more little boys who are 2-1/2 and 7 months, who I love very much, but at the same time its an everyday reminder of my horrible mistake and of what I missed with that baby I lost. He would of been starting kindergarten this year. I pray for forgiveness over and over, but I just can't seem to forgive myself. I have these voices in my head that keep reminding me and condemning me, I feel like I've murdered my own child and I can't go back and change anything. I try to put on a happy face for everyone around me, but underneath I'm so sad. And my husband says he doesn't have any regrets, he didn't even see the baby as a living being yet....

I feel so empty inside, each day I just go on autopilot, doing the things that need to be done. I want to be here for my kids, I don't think they are getting the best of me when I'm like this, how do I move on? I have days when all I do is cry for hours, and I want to hurt myself so much. I've already been on antidepressants for 2 months now, and I still feel this way. The weight of it all drags me down. How do I get on with my life? I don't want to be this way anymore my kids deserve better. Can anybody help me?

Hi, just wanted to share a poem I wrote:


My heart just feels so empty

The pain can't be erased

My soul cries out in anguish

At the life that was erased

The memories haunt me

They won't let me go

I try so hard to just move on

Yet seems there's nowhere left to go

How can I just pretend

That everything is fine

When each day brings new reminders

Of what wasn't meant to be

I never got to hold you close

To kiss your tiny cheek

I never got to show you love

Rock you back to sleep

I'll never get to hold your hands

As you take your first steps

I'll never get to hug you close

On your first day of school

Or kiss away your tears

When you fall and scrap you knee

Please forgive my selfish actions

Forgive me baby please

I pray that God will hold you close

And keep you safe for me

One day hope I'll see your face

And kiss you finally

Dear msh7281,
My heart is touched by your story. In fact, every abortion story I read just pulls at my heart and I want to help.
So many women don't know there is help out there for them when they find themselves pregnant at a time when they don't know how they are going to make it. I have never had an abortion but I confess that at one time it crossed my mind when I too, just didn't see how we were going to pull it off.
You didn't mention what religious faith you hold but I want you to know that God forgives no matter what you have done. If we are truly sorry for what we have done and we ask him to forgive us, he will do that. I know that the thoughts come back and the accuser of all (Satan) is always ready to make us feel the worst but you are forgiven!!! And nothing can change that. Please don't let this torment you anymore. You can live your life knowing that your baby is being taken care of by the God of the universe. He/she is loved and you are loved. Live your live with joy!

I beilieve your baby forgives you too. He/she knows you didin't feel like you had any other alternatives. Your poem brings tears to my eyes and I know you hurt. I hurt for all women who feel like they have no other choice. Your story will help others and they too will tell someone how abortion wil affect their life. Someday, hopefully every woman will know that when she gets pregnant she can trust God to help her with everything. Hopefully, someday there will be enough pregnancy centers who have the ability to do ultrasounds and each woman can see that they are carrying a baby and not a blob of tissue. God Bless you all and I pray that He will comfort you and help you to be at peace. We all make choices we wish we hadn't made. You are not condemned. You are loved and cherished. Love you all.

Forgive us for taking so long to respond to your cry. You are very brave for sharing your heart and your beautiful poem with us. You are not alone. There is help and there is hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. Trust Him to help you. Sometimes trusting is the most difficult thing to do. He loves you and knows you more than anyone on earth ever could. Check out our resource page for abortion recovery groups. It will be worth it, for our heart healing comes layer by layer. Pray about seeking help in this way. There are also books available if you have time to read that I think may be listed there.
Don't give up. You are so loved and appreciated,
Nona

What a beautiful poem, thank you for putting on paper the thoughts I have every day.