I am a mother of three children. Two of the three are ADHD, one accompanied with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and the other with Emotional Disorder. I was in a relationship with a great man. We had problems that I didn't know how to deal with. So I made the wrong choice by choosing a "temporary fix". Which lead to the end of our relationship and me becoming pregnant by another man. The father said he would be there for me. The father promised that no matter what he would be just that a father. Didn't take but a month for that to change. I put myself into a very dark place because of my actions and selfishnes. The Lord, I believe, decided that I needed to learn some lessons in my life. And because I am a stubborn woman who bases all of my actions on emotions and feelings instead of logic and reality I am suffering my conseqences for those actions. Which very quickly bit me in the hind end. So here is was pregnant, single mother, no job, no car, no home and little support. I prayed and prayed about what to do. I kept coming back to having an abortion. Just the thought of it made me cry. How could I ever do such a thing? I started this three months before the actual day. I never really wanted to do it. That day was the worst day of my life and will always be. I truely believe that my child is in Jesus' arms. I truely believe that the Lord has forgiven me. I am lucky to be back home with that great guy who has been my support thru all of this. But heres where it goes down hill. I can not forgive myself. I beat myself up for the choices that i made that lead to the worst day of my life. I don't want to ever be back there again, in that kind of a situation where i have to make such a terrible choice for the sake of my living children and our future. How could I be so stupid? I am smart. I know the difference between right and wrong. I love my children with all my heart and this has made be love and appreciate them even more than I already did. Ever since that day I can't focus. I can't get things done not even remotely as well as i did before. I am tired. I have nights where i can't sleep. I cry. My heart feels like it is constantly just pounding, not fast nor slow. just a steady hard thumping. Everyone says that I am handeling things every well and they are surprised at how well i am doing. My companion thinks i should get into counceling- the more i think about it the more its not a good idea. I have researched and am constantly looking for ways to heal myself. I pray, listen to Joyce Meyers, and try to focus on today and tomorrow instead of yesterdays. I am here because of what I did. I feel this way because of my actions. How do I let go and move on from this? My child won't suffer. I named him James. I believe the baby was a boy. I was 17 wks on that day. I took the last ultra sound. I started a baby book- I have decided to keep what I have. But I hurt so bad. I truely belive that there is beauty from pain. But this really really hurts. I think talking about it would help but who do i talk to about it. My companion is doing everything that he can but he can't help me with this. Can anybody hear me?

No one has responded. What does that mean? I must have shared too much. How do I get my story removed?

Dear Lost,
PLEASE FORGIVE US for not responding to you sooner. PLEASE DONT try to remove your powerful, heartbreaking testimony. We need you, we need each other. I am sending this as an emergency response to you, so I hope you will read it soon. I am typing another message for you now that is longer, just don't want to lose you! Have mercy on us please.
Love,
Nona

Dear Lost,
This is Nona again, thank you, precious one, for the honor of sharing your heart with us. I actually read your post at about 3am(Friday 30th), but forgive me, I was exhausted and having trouble keeping my eyes open to read the small print on my "mini" laptop. I know this is a lame excuse for not responding right then, but I wanted to be able to focus better at hearing your heart through your precious words you have shared with us. When I reply to someone, I want it to come from my heart and God's heart and not just send a simple reply. You are worthy of our prayers, intercession and counsel, and we want to give you our best, not something "half baked", so to speak.
Anyway, this is not about me, this is about you. You are so loved by our Lord and precious in His sight. I was so happy to read that "Mama Joyce", as I call her, ministers to your heart as well. You and I have much common ground, although I have not had the honor of raising precious babies, like you are blessed with. Jesus is raising all of mine in Heaven, praise God!
I am so proud of you for keeping the baby book that you made for your precious angel. You have such a powerful testimony, I don't even know where to begin. I can see that Jesus has already done layers of healing in your heart, as you have taken huge steps in the healing process of abortion recovery. As you continue to receive the healing balm of the forgiveness and mercy of our Lord, He will show you how to forgive yourself. It is a choice, just like choosing to forgive others that have hurt us. Our Daddy God doesn't want us to live in self hatred and bitterness towards ourself any more than towards others. He actually is ready to set you free, my sister, if you will pray this prayer with me, that He taught me when I was struggling with the same thing:
"Father, in Jesus' Name, I ask that you forgive me of my sins, forgive me for hating myself. I choose to forgive all of those that have hurt me, offended me, betrayed me in any way. I choose to love them and bless them and not curse them. I accept and receive Your love and forgiveness for me. I choose to forgive myself for all of the times I have grieved Your Holy Spirit. I choose to forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made in my life and for all of those that I have hurt, offended and betrayed. Live Your life through me, Jesus and help me to be more like You. Lead me to confront others for restoration and healing of relationships, in Your perfect timing. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen."
We don't want to lose you, Lost. Safe Haven was chosen just for you.
You are loved and appreciated,
Nona Ellington
www.eaglesrestoration.com

Thank you for responding. My emotions have been up and down lately. Not sure how long this is going to last. I expect a while but get frustrated simply because I am not able to function as well as I did before. And thank you for helping me find the right words to pray. I find that when I pray, lately, that my thoughts start to wonder and I end up not praying at all. Focusing is really hard for me now. Thank you again. And God Bless You.

Hi Lost
i to am so sorry i havent written to you. i actallly read your letter the day after you wrote it and could feel the pain in my heart as i read it..i can relate to each thing your wrote. my sons's name is Daniel.
this is a most wonderful site there is no one here who will ever say anything to you that will hurt you and there is nothing that you can say to anyone here in any way shape or form that we too havent felt.. in safe haven there is a chat room sometimes at night women and a man once in a while will come in. there is also a space to open your own chat room if you wish to speak privately.
i can make you one promise though. if you would like to talk to someone just name the time. i promise i will be there. not matter what time of day or night.. just please rememember i am eastern standard time and cant for the life of me figure out the other times in other parts of the country. so just let me know eastern time what day and what time and i will be in the room to talk to you. please i pray to God that you know in your heart that there is nothing that you can say to me that i havent already thought of myslef.
much love to you
marieelena

Hi Lost
sorry but if for soem reason you feel better about telling me what time you are free to chat please feel free to use my ea\mail address so i will know for sure i wull check it and make sure i am there when you are ready.
marieelena1237@gmail.com
much love to you and welcome to safehave
marieelena