when i found out i was pregnant, I was terrified but excited at the same time. In the lead up to Christmas I bought pregnancy magazines and got very excited. We made plans to spend christmas separately with our families so we could tell them during the holiday. I told my family but he did not tell his. My Nan was against me keeping the baby. When my boyfriend returned after christmas he had suddenly changed his mind and decided he wanted us to have an abortion. At first I was strong and refused, but one afternoon my boyfriend and Nan Kept on at me for over 3 hours telling me that if i kept the baby I would ruin its life. I gave up fighting and agreed to have the abortion. I had the abortion on 9th Jan 06. I was just over 12 weeks pregnant. I was awake but sedated for the operation and can still remeber every detail. Even now 4 years on i still wake up having nightmares where I'm back in that room. Afterwards i was so upset i cried myself to sleep every night. My boyfriend just got annoyed with me and between him and my nan they decided i was 'far too upset' and tried to have me sent to mental health hospital. Luckily the hospital disagreed with them. I have never spoken to anyone about this since, my friends etc all believe i had a miscarriage as i was too ashamed to admit what i had done, even my dad doesn't know. Every year i get very depressed in January, but this year i don't seem to be ble to snap out of it and just keep randomly bursting into tears. All i keep thinking about is wanting to get pregnant but i know it will not be the same. Every time i get ill i panic that this time will be my 'payback' for doing something so evil. I hate myself for not fighting harder and protecting my baby, and i don't know what to do, nothing will ever make up for what i did. Thank you for listening.

Dear Emily,
Thank you for the honor of sharing your story with us. I am grieving with you for your loss. I pray that the Lord gives you peace and comfort at this difficult time in your life. I understand how you keep falling into depression, for it is one of the main after affects of abortion that we have all been through. Check out our resource page for abortion recovery groups. Please pray about joining one, for it would be well worth your time. Being in a safe environment to share your heart with others and also to be able to hear others struggles with the same battles is part of the healing process that is required after such a traumatic experience. You are so loved and cherished by our Lord Jesus. He wants to see your heart healed and restored. Give Him your pain and He will forgive you, in fact He has already forgiven you, just receive His forgiveness in your heart and choose to forgive yourself. This is possible, although it seems difficult at the time. Allow our Lord to set you free from the bondage of depression and guilt so that you can truly grieve the loss of your baby and bring honor to that precious one by giving it a name, if you haven't already.
I am praying for you, don't give up,
Nona

Hi Nona, Thank you for your response. I already named her Kaitlyn. Do you know if any of these support groups run in the UK?

Your welcome Emily, my honor. Try checking into "Forgiven and Set Free", which is based on the book by Linda Cochrane, Rachel's Vineyard, which is a Catholic based retreat and "Surrendering the Secret". These are all of the group topics that I can think of that may be international. Let me know if you find anything. Also check with Pregnancy assistance centers in your area. They usually have connections to abortion recovery groups and sometimes have them available right in the center. These centers are all Christian based resource centers.
I'm praying,
Nona

I an so sorry about what you are going through I wish I could say that it is going to get easier but things are still hard for me and Its been even longer than when you had your abortion. I was a teenager when I got pregnant and my boyfriend and I had planned to keep the baby. We started to pick out names and everything. However once we told our families everything changed just as it did for you. My mom was the biggest one who pushed me to have the abortion. I felt backed into a corner and was so very scared. My boyfriend at the time found himself feeling the same way. As I read your post I got chills. They day you had your abortion was my due date. There hasnt been a year that has gone by that I didnt think about the child I was supposed to have. I too busrt into tears and at the same time feel like I have no one to talk to or anyone who can understand what I have gone through. Recently my ex and I have reconnected and have at least started to talk about what happened however it just makes me dislike my mother even more. I started writing in a journal and I feel like that has helped a little. I also started writing a letter to my mom about how all of this made/makes me feel. I havent finished it yet and probably wont give it to her it just helps to get the feelings out. I finally told one of my best friends what happened she didnt even know I was pregnant and meanwhile I drove her to her appointment yet couldnt bring myself to tell her. It felt so much better to tell someone but I still find it hard to just talk to her or anyone including my husband. I am here whenever you want to post that is the least I can offer.
Lee