Its been six months since i had an abortion.. and its been a silent struggle in hell for me.. everyday.
I didnt have time to tell the nurse to stop.. I can remember going in to this big room, with all these medical instruments, scared and wishing my boyfriend was there to hold my hand and say no stop we are going home..but i thought bravery was to go in there without a struggle and come out the same just baby-less and worry free.. instead i was told to take off my pants and underwear and get up on this chair thing with my legs in the stirrup spread eagle..i was shaking the whole time and wanted to puke.. i opted to be put to sleep hoping that will make things a little easier..
I can remember the nurse doing my ultra sound and I got to see my baby for the first time.. 10 weeks old.. and right as she stuck that goo thing on my lower tummy the other nurse stuck me in my vein for the iv anesthetic thing.. i wanted to say stop im not doing this you can keep my money just let me go home i want a baby i want to be a mommy.. then the doctor came in looked over me and asked me what i would be doing today if not here and that's all i remember..i was in the room not even ten minutes before i was put to sleep...
I woke up in a white room with four other girls and i had severe cramping and was groggy and was asked if i was feeling alright, which i wasnt, and i started to vomit in the vomit bags they gave us... i finally got all my strength i could to ask the nurse to call my boyfriend to come get me and i went to the bathroom to get changed and blood was running down my legs... i will never forget those feelings and i will never forget how
i didn't speak up when i was in the operating room..
I have asked for forgiveness but still cannot forgive myself.. i feel alone and sad because only my boyfriend, sister, and best friend know. And the only one who supported me with any decision was my boyfriend.. The others just said that im young (20) and i dont want that responsibility yet and its a bad choice to keep it. but i would give anything to have that responsibility back.
I have no one to talk to about it because it was against my beliefs as well as my families.. Im afraid to even talk to my boyfriend about it or bring it up because i dont want him to feel bad and i know he will because he has always said he wants kids but it was up to me.. we have never talked about it sinse the day i had the abortion..
I want to heal better but i cant even think about what ive done without crying and feeling disgusting.. i thought that i had to be brave and tough and do this but i feel weak and i feel shattered.. My biggest regret is i didnt love my baby from the beginning.. instead i looked at it as a complication in my life that i needed to deal with asap.. I feel so selfish and regretful that i did this in secret and behind my families back i want to cry every time my mom asks me and my boyfriend when we are going to get married and have grand babies.. it feels like a wound that wont ever heal and just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger...

Dear Blonde,
Thank you for the honor of sharing your heartache with us. I am grieving with you, my sister. I pray that the Lord brings you comfort and peace and also for your boyfriend. Men deal with grief alot differently than we do, but need healing just the same. You are very brave for sharing your pain with us so soon after this happened. There is hope and healing with our Lord Jesus, which it sounds like you may already know Him. Check out our resource page for abortion recovery support groups that you and your boyfriend can attend if you choose. You can attend together or separately. It is very much worth the time and effort to try to attend one. There are others that are suffering also that would need you to receive healing along with them. Please pray about it. Don't give up, the Father loves you more than you will ever know and He has forgiven you. He will give you the grace to forgive yourself in time, His perfect timing. I am praying for you, your boyfriend and your family.
You are loved and appreciated,
Doodlebug- Romans 8:1