Four weeks ago, I became pregnant after sleeping with one of my very good friends. I have had a tumultuous relationship with this guy for years, and I've always felt I cared a great deal more for him than he did me. After this encounter (which was not our first), we got into a fight and stopped talking. Which is a typical thing for us. After finding out that I was pregnant, I was terrified. I couldn't really process what was going on, and the only option that crossed my mind was that I could not keep it. The next morning I made an appointment and the following day it was over with. I have confided in one of my very best friends, which is wonderful to have someone know what I am going through, but she doesn't know how to respond to some of the things I say and wants to make me feel better about it, but can't. I made the choice not to tell the father because of several reasons, one being that I thought he would hate me, and I just couldn't stand seeing the look on his face. I also did not want to turn his world upside down, he just got a great job he loves, bought a house, a car, a dog, etc. and is really at a good place in his life. I could not bear it if I went to him for help and support and he turned his back on me. I would be devastated. I just felt that if I could not even depend on the relationship before I got pregnant, and we already fought about such nonsense, than it would be an absolute disaster to think I could raise a child with someone like that. It's not that I thought I couldn't do it alone, or that I would not be a good mother, it's just that for the rest of my life, and his, and this child's life, would be full of hate and anger. Knowing him the way I do, I am positive this would be the outcome. I find myself now constantly wondering what he would have said and done if I told him. I cannot even look or speak to him know what has happened, and I am even starting to be angry towards him, knowing that while I have had a very difficult and life changing past month, he has been living as free and simple as always. I feel like its not fair, however, I made the choice not to include him in this.
I feel very guilty for the choice I made. And it is unsettling to have the "what if" constantly on my mind. I am three weeks away from graduating college and I have a great job lined up in a big city. I would have had the financial means and eventually the family support to do this on my own, I just could not be connected with him for the rest of my life. I feel incredibly selfish and irresponsible, and that the reasons I did this are not important enough.
I have a great deal of respect for other women who have gone through this as well. Having sat down and wrote this all out, I feel a little relief! And if you took the time to read this, thank you.

Dear Melanie,
Thank you for the honor of sharing your heart with us. We understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on. I too made the very selfish decision to abort my first child when I was 15 years old. There is hope and heart healing available for you. You have made a huge step by sharing your testimony so soon after this happened. I waited 15 years to face what I had done. You are very brave. Check out our resource page for abortion recovery options. Attending a post abortion recovery group is very much worth your time. If I had not gone through this type of healing for myself, I probably would have taken my own life. I don't want to scare you, I am just sharing pieces of what I went through after abortion. Please prayerfully consider getting help in this way, as there would be other women going through this with you.
You are loved and appreciated,
Nona