I'm single, in my late 20's. After being in several long term relationships where it was decided contraception wasn't a necessity, following no pregnancies or even hints of, in the back of my mind I resigned myself to not being able to have children. Now being single, I was having a casual 'physical' affair with a single guy for over a year. It was during this time that I decided to put my mind at rest and go to the doctor. After several blood tests over six months, she confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. I continued to see the guy. We knew it wouldn't go anywhere and I told him of the information the doctor had given. We were both happy with things as they were. He then got back together with his ex and we agreed to end things. Which didn't quite happen.

After 18 months of seeing each other, we found ourselves sat in my room holding a pregnancy test. After he read the result I went numb. Not one bit of me felt unhappy about being pregnant. Sure I was absolutely gutted to be in the situation but to not want my baby? Never. Of course, he has his life back together and this, me, a baby, was never part of his plan. Even before. That wasn't a shock, I’d always known that. We were friends, I’d always told him I would never stand in the way of his happiness. This was different though. This isn't about my feelings, this is a baby, a life. This child wouldn't be born in to a miserable existence. No matter what, it would be cared for and loved by both of us.

I went through hell and back for two weeks. The right thing for me as a single woman with no support network and rubbish finances; the right thing for him and doing something he doesn't want; the right thing morally for the baby. What the hell is the right thing? He told me he knew he couldn't force me to do anything and it was ultimately my decision and he would support me either way. I'm not a horrible person; I can't deliberately ruin someone's life. Whilst I was going through emotional torture, I was also feeling and enjoying every part of my pregnancy, experiencing every symptom other than vomiting (which I put down to having strong guts as I did have the sickness feeling), I decided to at least give myself the options so went for a hospital appointment to discuss abortion options. The nurse scanned my belly, 8 weeks 5 days. The medical option was out of the question, my heart sank. My baby was developed more than I’d expected. The decision would be harder. I booked an appointment for a surgical procedure. I still didn't know what I wanted to do but I had to know the option was there. If he had given me the slightest positive indication that he knew I was desperate to hear, I would have made a different decision.

On 14th August 2009 at 12 weeks pregnant, he drove me to the clinic. I was absolutely petrified of what I was about to do. The fact that I had let the influence of others put me here. I desperately want the nurse to ask me, are you sure? To tell me I didn't have to do it. Not one bone in my body wanted to be there. I woke up a short while later. I went through the post op motions. The entire clinic experience was non invasive and all the staff were very friendly and accommodating. I wasn't particularly upset, truth be told, I wasn't really with it. He came to collect me and I went home. It wasn't until the following day after the exhaustion had subsided that the tears and depression of the cold reality hit.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I regret the decision to listen to others instead of myself. To put someone else's feelings in front of mine. Why didn't I plead with him before I went in. Show him the emotional pain I was in before it was too late. I will never, never forgive myself for killing my baby. My baby that had every organ and limb already formed.

He has been true to his word and has been nothing but supportive. Though it doesn't changed how i feel. I hate myself. I began not eating and have fallen into depression. In the space of 5 months i still don't eat, i have dropped 3 dress sizes, see a counsellor weekly, take anti depresants daily and i occassionally cut myself too. I find myself constantly wishing i wasn't here anymore.

One of the hardest things is having people tell me it will get better and I will get over it. I don't want to get over it. I don't want to feel better. I have done a truly horrible thing that I didn't want to do and now I can't tell any one why I’m miserable. Now I have to keep it a dirty little secret. I deserve to be punished for it. If I’m not sad it means I’m happy. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't want to eat. I destroyed my beautiful loved baby and now I want to destroy myself.

Some people will say i'm getting better because i seem to be better socially, i just think i'm occupied. The sharpe edges and anorexia keep my mind of things. My counsellor is a huge help though and we are tackling one thing at a time. I now think everyone realises pushing me 'controlling me' does not work.

Dear Lou,
Thank you for the honor of sharing your story, your pain, and your heart with us. Forgive us for not responding sooner. I understand how you feel, I have been there too. Hating yourself, wanting to punish yourself and suicidal thoughts are something that all of us have experienced after abortion. Learning to love yourself again is a daily struggle. I am so proud of you for seeking help early on after the abortion. Most of us have waited years before we could even discuss it with anyone. You have already taken a huge step in the healing process. There is hope and there is help, even beyond what you are already doing. Look at our resource page, there are post abortion support groups available that are worth checking out. It helps when we can hear others suffering with the same trials. If you haven't already, give your heart to Jesus. He is the only one that can help us to learn to forgive ourselves, as we receive His forgiveness for what we have done. We didn't deserve the Love that He showed us when He came here to die for us, in our place, for all of our past, present and future sins. Our Lord loves you and is praying for you right now that you would not give up on living. I have to keep reminding myself that He died so that I might live. You are precious in His sight and beautiful. As your heart is being healed and made whole, there are others that need to hear your testimony. I know that it may seem scary or impossible right now to you to share it publicly, but your testimony is very powerful and will save the lives of many. This is not coming from me, the Lord, our God, wanted you to know this. I am praying for you, my sister, as are others that are reading your words. Don't give up to the enemy. Fight back, for I can see that you are a fighter.
You are loved and appreciated,
Doodlebug

THAT'S ME ALL DAY.I HATE MYSELF AND I WISH I WAS DEAD AT LEAST THIS PAIN I FEEL WOULD END.IF IT WASN'T FOR HAVING KIDS ALREADY AND I WENT THROUGH IT I WOULD BE DEAD BY MY OWN HANDS.IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO STILL BE A MOTHER TO MY KIDS I WOULD ASK GOD TO TAKE MY LIFE FOR THE LIFE OF MY BABY.I NEVER KNEW HOW THE LOSS OF A BABY COULD AFFECT YOU IF YOU NEVER LAID EYES ON YOUR BABY. BUT I'M HEAR TO TELL YOU ITS HARD AS HELL.IF ONLY I COULD HAVE THAT DAY BACK IS ALL I CAN SAY.I'M TRYING TO SEEK COUNSELING BECAUSE I'M A WALKING TIME BOMB.IF I DON'T DIE FROM A BROKEN HEART I HOPE GOD'S GRACE AND MERCY SAVE ME FROM SELF-DESTRUCTION. I KNOW MY BABY DESERVED LIFE NO MATTER HOW BAD WITH GOD ON MY SIDE I SHOULD HAVE TRIED.BUT WHEN WE ALLOW OTHERS TO HELP US SOMETIMES THEY ONLY TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. EVENTHOUGH I DON'T BLAME NO ONE BUT MYSELF I ASK GOD TO FORGIVE ALL THOSE INVOLVED .AND ESPECIALLY ASK MY BABY TO FORGIVE ME AND MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL FORGIVE MYSELF BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I HATE MYSELF.

Dear Lou
hi welcome to safehaven. the one place on earth where everyone will understand how you are feeling. and i mean exactly how you are feeling.
i had an abortion 38 years ago. for about 36 of htose years eacha dn every moring i would just look up and think.. Hi God. nice day ..wouldnt it be a great day for me to die.. but never happened. so then i started at night.. Good Night God. wouldnt it be a great idea if i died in my sleep.. that didnt happen either. i finally got it through my thick head that God had forgiven me even before i had the abortion He knew me before i was born. knew all the decissions i would make and so on and so on.. the choices of my free will were only a surprise to me.. no i am not all overly religious but I do know there is a God and that no matter how i manage to screw up He will always love me.. I still cant concieve of that amount of love and not for anthing i look forward to the day i pass from this earth and go home just to feel love like that.
You cut yourself to make that pain seem worse than the one in your heart. i went the ohter way and went out with a guy who beat me senceless. which i thought i deserved. never went back to church because i was convinced that the others in the church would see blood on my hands.. i did all the most stupid things possible becasue of the guilt. and no matte what i did it didnt work. just time..the pain will never go away i dont think. if it does than great i still have that to look forward to.. but it doe sget better of that i promise you.
i understand when you say you have a dirty secret.. i didnt tell a soul about my abortion. the only ones who knew were my parents and my son's dad.. my parents made the abortion decission for me. wasnt that ever so sweet of them and my boyfriend was so very kind to me.. but he did break up with me.. i thought it was becasuse he hated me but years later he told me that he could no longer look in my eyes because all he saw was hurt and death and he thought it was all his fautl.. i never blamed him, i blamed myself.. i should have been stronger..
i am happy you are getting therapy already. that took me a nervous breakdown and 30 years later.. come to the chat room at night when you can. i promise you that the women there will be a tremendous help. not one of them will ever say anything to hurt you and there is nothing that you can say to any of the women there that they havent already either gone through themselves or havent heard before..
you are not the same person you were before the abortion. that person is gone. you are different now. different but not bad honey..i promise you it will get better with time. just come into the chat room when ever you get a chance and talk to the women there.. we all share that same dirty secret..our own shame.
much love to you
marieelena