I'd read your post, & I can't help thinking how I'd felt after all of mine were done (I'd had 3 abortions.) To answer your questions...:
Is this normal? Do others feel this way too?
Yes. You are not alone in this. I'd had my abortions between 1982 & 1985. It took me almost 20 yrs to come to the point of dealing w/ them. I thought "Time heals all wounds..." It didn't. I'd only buried those feelings. I thought because I was no longer feeling anything about it all that I'd come to terms with it: I hadn't. I had those annoying & panicky feelings--even fearful once I found out I was pregnant again--this time w/ my husband...I wondered if I'd be a good mother. I wondered if I even deserved to have children. I feared something happening to them where I'd lose them. PASS was hitting me then, but no one pointed that out to me nor told me that was normal...or even that it'd hit me in 2000 when I found out that one of my 2 ab dads (The one I'd fallen for hard) was finally marrying--only 12 yrs after our breakup. I felt as if someone had just punched me in the gut w/ that news. I fell into MASSIVE depression...so bad that w/in 5 wks, I dropped from 114# to only 93#. My husband feared for me as he'd never seen me in such a state. I had to go on antidepressants for the 2nd time in my life, & I had suicidal thoughts. I was so angry -- rageful -- that he would want to commit to someone else. I felt dumped -- even though I was now happily married with children. I STILL felt this connection. I felt as if someone else was getting the fairytale wedding, & I was discarded. He wanted a family w/ someone else...What was wrong w/ me that he'd do that? I heard myself wail as the pain of it all ripped thru me...I hadn't heard myself wail like that since my grandmother'd died long ago...
Does it get it better next week, or next year?
PASS isn't something that has a timetable. Some can be over it & deal with it within a couple of years...but as I'd pointed out, it can take years to fully heal from it. In my case it took about 26 yrs. Why? I hadn't dealt with it. You have the advantage of dealing w/ it NOW while you can. I would STRONGLY urge you to deal w/ it NOW when it's fresh. I already knew that I'd get no support about that decision long ago within my family. I felt like I really couldn't address it at home. In fact, the reaction I got when my mom'd figured out I was pg that first time was "I'll help you pay for the abortion, but if you decide to keep it? You're on your own..." After it was done, I wanted to talk to her about it all, & she brushed me aside & just walked on by. That was her cue to no longer speak on the subject. End of it. That only served to keep me silenced on the matter. But I found that with time, it only served to drive me into depression over it all. I wanted my children, & I felt as if I & their fathers had failed them. While I didn't cut myself like some women do after abortions, I did my own form of self-mutilation: I was already a nailbiter, but I'd literally make my fingers bleed--even taking fingernail clippers & cuticle scissors & literally shred my nails down to the mantle until I couldn't stand the pain & leave them alone. For me externally anyways, it was a way of showing that "Something was literally eating at me from the inside out..." And the sad thing is that no one recognized my cry for help in that way. I was going to college & I weighed no more than 93-98# then. I was criticized for being thin & family members would tell me to eat, but I wouldn't eat much unless really hungry. I was numb...hurting...trying to make it from one day to the next w/out showing how I was dying inside, but no one picked up on my cues....I guess deep down I hated myself for living while I knew my children were not...I didn't deserve life....
Did I make the right decision?
I can only surmise from your post that you feel it wasn't. I know that deep down with my decisions, I regretted them. I wish I could undo the past, but I can't.
Will god forgive me?
YES! For the longest time, I couldn't forgive myself for those choices of long ago. But God -- Jesus Christ -- IS forgiving. I forgave myself. I forgave my ab dads.
Of David. A maskil.[a]
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD”—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD’s unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
Psalm 103 NIV 1984
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
24 but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. 25 Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.”
1 John 1 NIV 1984
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
Hebrews 9:13-15 (NIV1984)
13 The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. 14 How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death,[a] so that we may serve the living God!
15 For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.
And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own.
Luke 15 NIV 1984
The Parable of the Lost Sheep
1 Now the tax collectors and “sinners” were all gathering around to hear him. 2 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”
3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
The Parable of the Lost Coin
8 “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins[a] and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
The Parable of the Lost Son
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
Audio Adrenaline: "Ocean Floor"
Casting Crowns: "East to West"
In all of this remember this, hun: Jesus Christ died for you...God bless you...Go to Him, hun...May Jehovah-Rapha (God My Healer) bring healing to you...