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my life is falling apart
Last Post 01 Oct 2011 07:58 PM by . 5 Replies.
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autumn10309User is Offline
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Posts:3

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23 Jun 2011 02:35 AM QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
Hey, My name is Heather. I've posted on here before about my experience with my abortion, and i'm back to ask if anyone has ever felt the way I've been feeling ever since I had my abortion. I can't look at babies. I can't stand looking at them, and I really don't mean to seem like that, i love babies, but something has changed in me.

This July 4th would have been autumn's first birthday. Everyday I wish I were pregnant. and that is tearing my life apart.

My sister-in-law is having her first child and it's a girl, I went shopping today at walmart and I could find it in myself to step foot in the baby section. Also, my best friend is now pregnant and has no idea what to do, i've been coaching her over the phone for more than a week now on how to manage nausea and tiredness.

I feel like a failure as a parent, a failure at life, and I feel like I don't want children in my life anymore. Autumn was meant to be the one, and I threw it all away. I can't even look at my body without thinking about my baby. I have all the same stretch marks. and now I've gained some weight it does look like i am pregnant again, but I am not. I don't know where my life has taken me since I've had my abortion. I can't think, sleep, i've been diagnosed with multiple mental disorders, and just nearly killed myself twice.

i've fallen apart ever since my abortion. I don't think there is anyway to bring myself from this. please please please help me!
LittleOneUser is Offline
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Posts:118

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08 Jul 2011 02:57 AM QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS) is awful, hun. The only way to get thru it is to go thru it. Come what may...:

PASS Symptoms
http://ramahinternational.org/post-abortion-syndrome.html

Post Abortion Stress Syndrome
Post-Abortion Syndrome is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. The process of making an abortion choice, experiencing the procedure and living with the grief, pain and regret is certainly, at it's very core, traumatic. As with any trauma, individuals often try to "forget" the ordeal and deny or ignore any pain that may result. Many simply don't relate their distress to the abortion experience. At some point, however, memories resurface and the truth of this loss can no longer be denied. During these moments, the pain of post-abortion syndrome reveals itself in the hearts of millions of lives.

The symptoms of post abortion syndrome will not necessarily appear at the same time, nor is likely that any woman will experience the entire list. Some may occur immediately after an abortion and others much later. If you can identify with more than two of these symptoms, it could be that you are experiencing post-abortion syndrome.

Below are the symptoms that describe post-abortion syndrome, as described by Dr. Paul and Teri Reisser in their book, Help for the Post-Abortive Woman (now entitled A Solitary Sorrow):

1. Guilt. Guilt is what an individual feels when she has violated her own moral code. For the woman who has come to believe, at some point either before or after the abortion, that she consented to the killing of her unborn child, the burden of guilt is relentless. There is little consolation to offer the woman who has transgressed one of nature's strongest instincts: the protection a mother extends to her young. In fact, many post-abortive women believe that any unhappy events that have occurred since the abortion were inevitable because they "deserve it."

2. Anxiety. Anxiety is defined as an unpleasant emotional and physical state of apprehension that may take the form of tension, (inability to relax, irritability, etc.), physical responses (dizziness, pounding heart, upset stomach, headaches, etc.), worry about the future, difficulty concentrating and disturbed sleep. The conflict between a woman's moral standards and her decision to abort generates much of this anxiety. Very often, she will not relate her anxiety to a post-abortion syndrome abortion, and yet she will unconsciously begin to avoid anything having to do with babies. She may make excuses for not attending a baby shower, skip the baby aisle at the grocery store and so forth.

3. Psychological "numbing." Many post-abortive women maintain a secret vow that they will never again allow themselves to be put in such a vulnerable position. As a result, often without conscious thought, they may work hard to keep their emotions in tight check, preventing themselves from feeling the pain of what has happened, but also greatly hampering their ability to form and maintain close relationships. Cut off even from themselves, they may feel as though their lives were happening to another person.

4. Depression and thoughts of suicide. All of us experience depression from time to time, but the following forms of it are certainly common in women who have experienced abortion:
•Sad mood--ranging from feelings of melancholy to total hopelessness.
•Sudden and uncontrollable crying episodes--the source of which appear to be a total mystery.
•Deterioration of self-concept--because she feels wholly deficient in her ability to function as a "normal" woman. Sleep, appetite, and sexual disturbances--usually in a pattern of insomnia, loss of appetite and/or reduced sex drive.
•Reduced motivation--for the normal activities of life. The things that occupied her life before the depression no longer seem worth doing.
•Disruption in interpersonal relationships--because of the general lack of enthusiasm for all activities. This is especially evidenced in her relationship with her husband or boyfriend, particularly if he was involved in the abortion decision.
•Thoughts of suicide--or preoccupation with death. Not surprisingly, in a study done by the Elliot Institute some 33% of post-abortive women surveyed reached a level of depression so deep that they would rather die than go on.

5. Anniversary syndrome. In the survey reference previously, some 54% of post-abortive women report an increase of post-abortion syndrome symptoms around the time of the anniversary of the abortion and/or the due date of the aborted child.

6. Re-experiencing the abortion. A very common event described by post-abortive women is the sudden distressing, recurring "flashbacks" of the abortion episode, often occurring during situations that resemble some aspect of the abortion, such as a routine gynecological exam, or even the sound of a vacuum cleaner's suction. "Flashbacks" also occur in the form of recurring nightmares about babies in general or the aborted baby in particular. These "dreams" usually involve themes of lost, dismembered or crying babies.

7. Preoccupation with becoming pregnant again. A significant percentage of women who abort become pregnant again within one year, and many others verbalize the desire to conceive again as quickly as possible. The new baby, sometimes referred to as the "atonement baby," may represent an unconscious desire to replace the one that was aborted.

8. Anxiety over fertility and childbearing issues. A common post abortion syndrome symptom in women is a fear that they will never again become pregnant or be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Some expect to have handicapped children because they have "disqualified themselves as good mothers." Many refer to these fears as punishments from God.

9. Interruption of the bonding process with present and/or future children. Fearing another devastating loss, a post-abortive woman may not allow herself to truly bond with other children. Another common reaction is to atone for her actions toward the aborted child by becoming the world's most perfect mother to her remaining or future children. Likewise, the woman who already had children at the time of her abortion may discover that she is beginning to view them in a different light. At one extreme, she may unconsciously devalue them, thinking things like, "you were the lucky one. You were allowed to live." Or she may go in the opposite direction and become overly protective.

10. Survival guilt. Most women do not abort for trivial reasons. They are usually in the midst of a heartbreaking situation whereby they stand to lose much if they choose to carry their pregnancies to term. In the end, the decision boils down to a sorrowful "It's me or you, and I choose me." But while the abortion frees them from their current trauma, it frequently produces in them an unrelenting guilt for choosing their own comfort over the life of the child.

11. Development of eating disorders. Some post-abortive women developed anorexia or bulimia. While this phenomenon remains largely unexplored at this time, several factors may contribute to it. First, a substantial weight gain or severe weight loss is associated with unattractiveness, which reduces the odds of becoming pregnant again. Second, becoming unattractive serves as a form of self-punishment and helps perpetuate the belief that the woman is unworthy of anyone's attention. Third, extremes in eating behavior represent a form of control for the woman who feels her life is totally out of control. And finally, a drastic weight loss can shut down the menstrual cycle, thus preventing any future pregnancies.

12. Alcohol and drug abuse. Alcohol and drug use often serve initially as a form of self-medication--a way of coping with the pain of the abortion memories. Sadly, the woman who resorts to alcohol and/or drugs eventually finds herself having not only more problems but also fewer resources with which to solve them. The mental and physical consequences of alcohol or drug abuse only amplify most of the symptoms the woman is already experiencing.

13. Other self-punishing or self-degrading behaviors. In addition to eating disorders and substance abuse, the post-abortive woman may also enter in abusive relationships, become promiscuous, and fail to take care of herself medically or deliberately hurt herself emotionally and/or physically.

14. Brief reactive psychosis. Rarely, a post-abortive woman may experience a brief psychotic episode for two weeks or less after her abortion. The break with reality and subsequent recovery are both extremely rapid, and in most cases the person returns completely to normal when it is over. While this is an unusual reaction to abortion, it bears mentioning only because it is possible for a person to have a brief psychotic reaction to a stressful even without being labeled a psychotic individual. During such and episode, the individual's perception of reality is drastically distorted. These individuals should be referred to the care of a professional. center we can help both you and the father of your baby understand this option and the benefits it can bring to both your lives.

Resources

Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After
by Sydna Masse

Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion
by Theresa Burke w/ David C. Reardon

Redeeming a Father's Heart
by Kevin Burke

If you are near a Pregnancy Resource Center or Crisis Pregnancy Center, they can help. Many offer a post-abortive study for women - & men.

Forgiven & Set Free: A Post-Abortion Bible Study for Women
by Linda Cochrane

A good counselor can help you work thru this time of life...A good pastor or priest can also help...Man churches are offering post-abortion Bible studies now...

In all of this, know this: God can heal you. I know He can because He healed me of PASS...

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Isaiah 61: The Year of the LORD’s Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

May He one day turn your "wailing into dancing"... ;-) God bless you...

LO

Audio Adrenaline's "Ocean Floor": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y281553XUAA

Micah 7:18-20(NIV1984)


18 Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
19 You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.





desparate
Posts:341

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06 Sep 2011 04:36 AM EditEdit QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
I feel the same. My mind and heart are so exhausted I hate myself. Id give anything to undo. I dont deserve happiness. I cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop couinting the days. I cant stop the torment. I look preg and it makes it worse. I cant feel happpy all I feel is pain. My fake smile and surface laughs only get me through that moment. I fear my thoughts. I fear that I wont go to heaven and see my baby. I hate my self and I cannot dream anymore. I dont feel dead inside I wish I could. I just feel torment. ive been wondering lately if ill be able to handle the pain much longer
meliea
Posts:341

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07 Sep 2011 02:04 AM EditEdit QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
I feel the exact same. I also have no one else to talk to about it... because no one understands. I still tear up everytime i walk by baby clothing or a baby is around. Aubrey would have been a little over a year as of now, and i feel like i should have moved on from it by now.. but i can't. I still have my ultrasound picture and look at it a lot. But please know, you are not alone. we made a scary choice, i'm starting to realize it's normal to feel the way we feel. My life feels empty and that it's going no where without her. we WILL be okay though, we need to remind ourselves of that. if you ever need to talk...because i need someone to talk to as well.
Desparate
Posts:341

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08 Sep 2011 01:53 AM EditEdit QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
Thanks. I feel so weak in my mind. I said I would never do something like I did so now I question what else id do that I said Id never do? I dont trust myself.

I feel at my age in life despite of my situation that my boyfriend should of found a way even if it ment in just hoping. I love him, but I question his love for me. I forget all the time how much pressure he put me under. I want to forget it too because I cant feel that he loves me if I do..

Im getting so worn out. I feel so far from God. I feel ashamed and of all I hate myself now. It was something I always wanted, always. The worst is I look pregnant too. The worst is its birthday was the day him and I meet in person. The worst is I deely love him. The worst is I did what I said Id never do.

I think the only thought that helps is realizing how hard it is for God to make decisions. Knowing why he said not to play him, because its hard on our hearts.
lettinggo
Posts:341

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01 Oct 2011 07:58 PM EditEdit QuoteQuote ReplyReply  
I understand iv been there I had one last year and it was very hard to forgive myself for doing it I went thru all kinds of moods. Things will only get better if u get in a good situation where u can have a baby I know this bc Im going thru it now im preg with what would have been my second child. Even tho I am preg I think of my other baby but I am finally happy n I started to let go more this year when I got preg. I guess its that feeling u get when u r preg knowing there is someone else inside u n although its never the babysitter fault sometimes u have to forgive yourself...as one quote said one door closes and another opens...its ok to forgive but u don't have to forget. If you want to talk im sometimes on yahoo messenger: redbone22211
I really do miss him/her 2010 is in my past n I learn from it now im living now 2011 and soon to be 2012 the year that my baby will be born.
Good luck to you all and iv been there and so have millions of other women it is a hard situation to go thru specially by yourself.


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