It's at this time of year where, i cant sleep, concentrate, have any motovation, this makes me feel less of a person/mother than i already do, as i have 3 children, that i feel i am unable to love and care for the way i used too. I have changed as a person completly, and as the birthday of my baby gets closer, my mind is wrapped up in guilt and what could have been. I constantly go through in my mind day and night, the 10 weeks i was pregnant, i go over and over it again and again, i wish i could change what i done, i pray to god and tell him how sorry i am, i see from the healing process, that i need to let god forgive me, i dont feel i deserve to be forgiven, and what about my baby? i could never expect forgiveness from her, i was her mother, and surposed to care and look after her, i failed her and my family. She would have been my 3rd baby, i was married and already had 2 children. I had a strong need to have another 3 years later, and now have a beautiful son, i do love him so much he is my angel from heaven, but i always wander what life should have been like and how diffrent my family could have been. My husband will not talk to me about it, if i mention it he just shouts at me and says he does not care about it! its past gone and forgotten to him! that hurts me so much, that he has no remorse in our sweet child, i am beggining to hate him! December 2004 we found out i was preganant, Jan 2005 we aborted, Aug would have been the birthday month, its so hard keeping myself together, in 2006 i was hospitalized as i could not function as a mother no longer and had susidal thoughts, these thoughts scared me so much, i worried that i would do it, i was so down. I do not want to get to that point again and put my family through it again, but it is so hard with no one to understand and talk too. i sometimes come on here at 2 maybe 3 in the morning as i cant sleep, i read all the womans thoughts and feelings and it helps in away that i am not alone. Thank you safe haven for being there. xx

Hi wenderss
sorry it has taken so long to answer you..your story is heart breaking an i think the reason is that i can so much relate to it
i have 3 daughters.. i aborted my first child a a son and when i got pregnant a few years later i had one prayer... Please God do not give me a son.i cant handle it.. God knew in my heart what was going on and i am very lucky i have 3 dauthers.. each time i had a child instead of being happy i was filled with sadness and guilt. i would look at my child and think. your brother should be here. he should be jumping up and down all excited to see his new sister.. it happened to all three of my pregnencies..
as far as your husband goes.. he seems to be exactly like the father of my son who is not my husband... he told me that i had so many blessings from God with three healty daughters and three beautiufl grandchildren that i should get on with my life..
personall i think he is an idiot.. how dare he say that how dare he get on with his life (andhe has) DO NOT FORGET THE SON THAT DOES NOT WALK AMONG US..
but he is like he is and i cnat do anything to change him.. you and i will always rememeber with LOVE our babies that have been lost and are now in the hands of our Lord.. please dont worry our children are fine. they are home, and not suffering.. it is our i would imagine the word might be self loathing for what we did. but i am truly not sure that is the right words..
i am so sorry you wound up in a hospital. i had a very nice nervous breakdown at home the dfference in us is that i have a husband who althoh is not my sons father still tries the best he can to understand what is happenind or did happen to me.
i have spend countless hours at this point it addes up to countless years wondering wht my son would be like what he would do waht he would look like. He would be 38 today and i often wonder about the grandchildren he would have given to me and if iw ould have even liked his wife..all sorts of things..
it took me more than 30 years to get up the courage to talk to my priest about this.. i had left the church on the next sunday after my abortion and never went back for years.. thougth everyone would see blood on my hands.. i had a wonderful priest who spoke to me as if he was speaking and getting all the words that came from his mouth were as if they were coming from our Lord.. our children know we love them. they know and understand what happened and they are home and love us and are waiting for us to get back to them, which we will all do when the time comes and the Lord calls us home again.
i can understand the not being able to forgive yourself and i understnad the walls you are building up areod yourself so that you can no longer feel anything..
please try tocome to the chat rooms .. if you want to go at 3 am then jstu write her and iw ill met you doenst mater to me what time it is. the women here at safe haven will listen to you and no matter what you say.. no one will ever say anthing to hurt you. most of us have felt or still do feel the way you do.. try really hard to go to a chat and jsut talk to anyone who is there. i promise you it will help. it will not make all the bad feelings that you have go away . that one will take time an prayer but it will happen.
much love
marieelena