I dont even know where to start.I should starting telling that I had an abortion 2 days ago. I will never forget when I walked in the clinic and ppl outside was yelling and telling me that I was not a murder , that was kind of true , they saw in my face I didnt want that , in my heart I would walk out and give up once again like I did in the last clinic , 3 times.
But this time no. I dont know how , I didnt leave the clinic.
Well my pregnancy was always really difficult for me. In a different country and without job I was aldeary depressed with my situation. I have a bf or had I dont really know, that has a job , a good job that could probrably take care of me and the baby. When I found out i was pregnant I pannic. I tried to accept later , I make my first appt , I saw my baby .I decided to have and then I got scared with my sittuation, how about if my bf leave me , what im going to do here by myself , maybe I just tried to find excuses I knew there is no excuses for abortion. We went to the clinic me and my bf, then we cried , i walk out for the first time. Then I got another appt I walk for the second time. That clinic would not do the proccedure anymore because they knew I didnt want that.
Then my bf start fight with me telling me he didnt want that baby.Well he already has a baby with another woman I found it hard to deal with because Im very jelous. I use to look to his baby and think , I want to have a baby with him too, then everything is going to be ok.
He start saying that he didnt want the baby , and if I would like to be a single mother with no money , I pannic again. I was so confused in my heart I knew he was a good father and I was good mother but why he was dening this baby, maybe because of me? I could not understand it. I was feeling so alone , afraid and confused maybe i was just being weak.
I waited so long , I got a book , babys pictures , and I was taking care of him , didnt drink , no sushi , and later I just kill him.
I went to another clinic again, and waited as usual, the worse waiting room, and cried again.I just wanted this over I knew would not be over anyways. Then I got ultrasound 14 weeks .The doctor looked like a monster and told me he was going to take care of me , and in my head I thought why I choose to be here . he was not careful , when he did the exame he was very rough and I was afraid he would hurt my baby... what a stupid thing to think when u getting an abortion.
Then the counselor came to talk to me, I know was her job , but she starting telling me that counseling is not what we have in mind , I knew it was just a bussiness , she just want to make sure about my heathy , and smiling asked If I was ok because I was shaking, she ask really fast are u sure that is what u want. I should say no. I said Yes I am!
and then I waited again, and finally got to the operation room , when I saw it I just wanted run. I cant believe I sat down there , I was ready to give up and the doctor said relax , and tied my legs , I just look up and waited for the IV and I knew that I could not give up anymore . the last thing I asked Is for god to forgive me, and now I know I dont deserve it.
After I woke up in the recovery room, I went to change and I saw the blood , I felt like a monster.
now Im here when I go to the bathroom and see blood I know is my babys blood, how i could kill an inocent that has nothing to do with my problems.Im afraid to go outside and see babies , Im afraid to turn on the TV and Im afraid when december comes the due date comes and when the mather day comes. I just feel i want to repair what I did and have another baby, so stupid , nothing is going to replace my first child.I dont want to eat and yesterday I was drinking tea and I checked to see if it had to much caffeine , then I realize I dont need to be careful anymore with what I eat and drink...all I want is to be carefull again, the emptness and the guilt is in my heart, I dont feel taking care of myself if I could not take care of my baby and how selfish I was to think about my problems , I was not raped , I was not going out with a married man, I did not have any risks and i was 100 % sure I had a heathy child . Now I dont know when is going to be the right time, ppl say that is never a right time, and Im afraid god is going to punish me and I cant have kids anymore.I should not be afraid. I think I deserve all the punishment , and If Im crying now I deserve that, I know was not a tissue, I know what it was , I know was wrong, that is the reason why i dont believe in forgiveness sometimes , because i was not naive, I was not a tennager.. Im 25, I was not 16 , I have no excuses for what I did , Now im confused again but I dont have to make a choice anymore , I wish I had .
I know this pain is never going to be over, I think if I have another child the pain is going to be a little less. But when it is going to be the right time? Do i deserve to be pregnant again? God gave me a gift I keeping imagining how amazing life is , how amazing was to have another life inside me , that i could never doubt about god , how beautiful is the conception, I just killed something was growing each day inside me , this is not fair .I found every excuse to dont have this baby, now i find every reason to have a baby. I was somebory educated , that was completly pro-life, and I use to judge woman that had an abortion. Now Im just 1 more , in the percentage of woman that regret their abortion, Im sure I would not regret my baby , my own blood . How can somebory trust me , how can i trust myself again . When I walked out the first time from the clinic , I saw a bird . I looked to the bird and I imagining killing a bird, and I knew I could not do it. thats is a stupid comparison but how could I kill a baby inside me. I drove my car back home I was sure I was going to do whatever I could to take care of my baby. I came to this country to be a nanny , how could now be a killer ? When I watch TV even if I see an animmal take care of their babies that hurts me. Im now being punished by myself and dont think I deserve enjoy or laugh, when ppl say hi how are u? I give them a fake smile and say good! I just want to tell everybory that im not an angel.
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