I am in a lot of pain and regret and can't find a way past it, not sure what to do! I feel I can't talk to anyone about this, a lot of people don't know the route we took and my husband doesn't think we did anything wrong so I can't discuss this with him. Basically here is my story: we had secondary infertility for over five years (had one daughter who is 7) We tried lots of fertility treatments trying to conceive a second child and I suffered two miscarriages. Finally last year one of our treatments finally worked and we got pregnant with triplets. My doctor immediately started talking about selective reduction of one baby, he made it sound like the pregnancy was doomed to fail if we didn't take out one baby. He said I only had until 8 weeks to decide and I was already 7 weeks pregnant. My husband immediately wanted to do the reduction but I was wavering. I sooooo wish now I had said no but I was afraid of upsetting my husband, afraid to stand up to him so I agreed. So we reduced the pregnancy down to two and I gave birth to two healthy twins in February. Since then I have been consumed with sadness and guilt and extreme regret. I sometimes even get this weird feeling when both babies are up from their naps that there is another baby waiting for me in the nursery. I even hear it cry sometimes! I have this really strong feeling I aborted a perfectly healthy baby and that if I had chosen to keep all 3 everything would have been fine. In fact from what I've seen and read since about this it most likely would have turned out fine. I feel like my doctor and husband coerced me into making a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I miss my baby, I feel like a part of our family is missing. I had already lost two babies prior to this through no choice of my own and it kills me to think that I chose to send the third one away. And how will I ever explain this to my other children someday when I can't even explain it to myself???

Please help if you can!~

opopiopi

Dear Sad,

I had an abortion yesterday My situation is similair I can not talk to him about it and as far as hes concernd its over and done with life will jsut get better I am so sad sometimes I feel relieved and others I feel sad I can still remember every girls face that was there every nurse Dr. and evey time I thought I can jsut leave this will be over soon I think that sometimes it was the best choice because I already have a child but i feel really sad and cant get over it when I cry he asks me why im crying and that its fine. I do believe that there might have been something wrong in the pregnancy but the abortion itself was torture I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I cant really type too much cause I am crying alot and cant see the keys but I really jsut needed to tell someone and felt compelled to tell you IDK Im sorry and i hope your pain lessens I am praying for you my heart goes out to you and your pain IM SORRY

I read your mails the other night, I am so sad for you both and I hope your are doing better now.
It's been just over a week since I did it. I hate using the word. We already have a child, who is amazing. This was an unplanned pregnancy and we are really not in a financial position right now to have another. It came down to practical reasons. I keep wondering if there was something more we could have done. We have had to borrow a lot of money from my husbands parents this year, and the thought of going to them for more money was just so demeaning.
The day of the procedure, I had so many thoughts of running out of the clinic. I knew that I wanted the baby, but my husband didn't. Emotionally I didn't want to do it, but financially I felt I had nothing to offer. I was just so sad and angry at myself for not being able to provide for this little person.
Since it happened I have been broken up. I realise now that having another baby, though we would have been poor, would have been easier than this level of pain. The pain I feel in my heart is something that shouldn't be experienced. I can't stop thinking about that tiny person and what I did to it.
I guess in one way it has made me realise a lot of things about myself. That sometimes I don't consider my own needs and I do things because I think that it will be easier for everyone else. I also realise how ready I was to be a mother again, and now I have lost this wonderful opportunity.
The fact remains however that we have no money. I'm currently in college, and he is in a very lowly paid job. We are not applicable for the welfare system.
My heart is broken, I feel like I did something so terrible and I wonder how I can ever recover from this.
I'm trying to be strong for my existing child and so that I can do well in college and get a great job in the future so that maybe that little spirit will come back to me. I don't know if this can happen, but it's the only thing that is keeping me going right now. That some day I will see that child, my child.
I'm so sorry that I did this to you my beautiful baby...

Love to both of the girls who wrote on this page, my heart is with you. x