Hi
many years ago i got an abortion. actually my parents were the first to find out i was pregnant. it was way different back then. and before the doctor even came back into the room the decission that i was going to get an abortion was alrady made.
odd car ride home with my mom beating the crap out of me. First with her fist and then she got tired and used the heal of her shoe. My father who i adored never tried to stop her. I felt such betrayal I adored this man. anyway my mom asked me if the father knew about this thing. yes she called my child a thing. Move along a few days and my sons father comes over. All my dad said to him was.. we need to protect my daughter you must never tell anyone about this. Her reputation has to be clean (things were so different years ago.) My mother on the other hand would have killed me amd him if she thought she could get away from it..
I need to also say that i was abused by her growing up. Daily beatings were the norm for me and each time she walked by me i used to raise my hands over my head to protect my face against the smack that i knew would be coming.
my mother did love me but she didnt like me. plain and simple my childhood was what it was and i have actaully gotten over it. I have the most wonderful husband who worhsips the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful which is the first time i had ever heard it. i have such low self esteem that i am amazed anyone can love me. and the depth of his love amazes me. i also love him but have built up walls that i dont think will ever come down. He understands all this and doesnt push.
My mother never once told me i was pretty but she did remind me daily that i had the most beautiful sister (and she is very pretty) but i look back on pitures of me when i was young and it is looking at someone i dont know. The person in the pictures is actually quite beautiful. Not trying to be concieted; but it is the truth. Except I can not accept that those pictures of me are acutally me. (i know this sound odd)
I have spent nearly every day of the last 37 years asking God to take me home. But i would never consider killing myself. I am a coward.
Move ahead years and i have children now and grandchildren. My father passed away a few years ago. I was devastated. The funeral is a blur.
My mom took a different road. A few months after he passed she called in the middle of the night to tell me that she knew i thought i was his favorite but it was my brother who was and i should stop thinking that. I asked why she thought she needed to say something like that to me and that didnt she think as a parent that you shouldnt have a favorite. She hung up on me. Also my sister the perfect one got pregnant at 15 also. Her son lives. She gave him up for adoption and my parents were violently oppossed to it. after all that child was there blood and should be with them.
my mother was my mother and our realationship was what it was. when she got ill my sister took care of her and i saw her as often as possible. although she called my siblings every day i spoke to her about once every few weeks. there was really nothing to say,.
when she passed i felt nothing. seems odd especally since i acted so differently with my dad. but here is the best point. i feel guilty about not feeling badly about not feeling lost that my mother is gone. There is nothing there although when i need a recipe i do find myself picking up the phone to ask her then realize she isnt there. So i improvize the recipe.
Why dont i feel anyting . I should. She was my mother. i know the commandents say.. honor thy father and thy mother. and i did. but it says nothing about love. i have spoken to my priest about this. he is most wonderful and his words come straight from God. he agrees with me. it was what it was. has anyone felt like this. am i such a terrible person for these feelings. any response either good or bad will be appreciated. i need various views if you dont mind.
sorry this is so long.

Welcome God's child.
I have read your story. My experience is not the same as yours so I have nothing to share in that reguard. I can only offer my opinion. I agree with your priest. The relationship was what it was. The word, love, in the scriptures is often used as a command. "Love your neighbor, love one another..." I do not think this means to conjure up the appropriate emotional response to these people in your life. I think, rather, it is a command to action. Emotions come along behind. When you honored your mother, you have done as God commanded. Your emotions are whatever they are and, in my opinion, not a reason to feel guilty or beat your self up.
Blessings, Nancy

Dear Gods child,
I love this username. Thank you for the honor of sharing your story. I am so sorry that you were abused by your mom and also forced into abortion. It is now against the law to force someone to have an abortion, but I know that you may already know this. I wish that there were something that I could do to change what has happened to you. Sorry I haven't seen this post before, but thank you for telling me about it. I feel so much anger towards your mom for the way she treated you, especially compared to the way she treated your siblings. I do not blame you one bit for feeling no remorse at the time of her death, how could you? I am wondering if maybe you reminded her of herself and that she struggled with self hatred or something. It is just not normal for a mother to be so hateful to her own child. It seems that you may have had a good relationship with your father. I can certainly relate with that, because I too was alot closer to my dad. I pray that the Lord brings healing to all of the horrible memories and flashbacks that you may have from your childhood. He can and will bring wholeness to your heart and soul. Just trust Him.
Love you,
Doodlebug