wow i was looking online for a site like this where i can speak about it.
My boyfriend and I have been together two years. when we first got together he had just broken up with his baby-mama (3 boys) and so we took things easy not wanting to make things b/w them bad. i found out i was pregnant 6 mos into the relationship. he immediantly stated his case...he did not want another kid, he wanted me to have an abortion. i am totally against abortion and have always wanted a child. we argued about it for a week until he said that if i kept the baby he would have to go back with his ex so that she wouldnt put child support on him. (basically it would be cheaper to pay cs on 1 kid instead of 3) all i heard was that i would loose him and raise a baby on my own. he kept pressuring me about it for another week until i finally broke down and said i would do it. at the hospital i stil had doubts but he would just say we cant afford one now, we're not in a good position now, etc. I had the ab May 21, 2007 at 9 weeks. after the procedure i didnt feel any different. he was very attentive, took me to his house to recover. i didnt tell anyone but his and my best friend (who thought it was a terrible mistake) i went back to work and everything seemed fine until a couple months later when it just hit me. i relized i had killed my child. my boss had her baby in July and we visited her in the hospital. that was the hardest thing. to see her holding her newborn baby, thats when started becoming depressed. i started crying over everything, no interest in my hobbies or work, i was angry at everyone but especially pregnant women or new mothers. "why do they get to be so happy, they have support and love" i then started cotemplating sucide. thats when i went into counseling. he showed me that the rage because i was angry at my bf but also angry at myself. i learned to forgive my bf but i still havent forgiven myself. the guilt is something i carry everyday. thanks to counseling i no longer get angry at pg women or mothers. i can now hold my newborn cousin w/o sobbing. my bf and i talk about getting married and having a child then. he thnks im fine b/c i dont talk about it. but im not i just hide it real well. the time i relapsed was on my due date and the anniversay of the ab. if i could turn back time and change things that would be the one thing i would change. i now say i only have one regret in life and that is choosing a man over my baby. Never Again.