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Subject: My story...Long

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LostOne03

Posts:2

08/31/2008 11:57 AM
I think for the first time in almost 13 years I am ready to tell someone else my story. It was 1995 when I got pregnant. I was 18 years old. The father and I had been together for almost a year and we were on our way out. He was never really the faithful type. I had a feeling that something was going on. My sense of smell was so sensitive and I was always so tired. I was in denial about it for two months. I didn't even want to take a test, because that would just make it too real for me. I went to my mother for help. I told her while she was at work, we were alone in a a meeting room. She reacted exactly like I was afraid she would. She yelled at me. She asked me how I could be so stupid and irresponsable. After that it was just all about her. She didn't have time for this. She wasn't ready to be a grandma. How this was going to cut into her life. It was never about me. She had me go home and look up abortion providers in the yellow pages. I had to call each and every one to find out how much it would cost, what I needed to do, and how soon they could fit me in. She would "loan" me the money out of her and her boyfriend's "vacation fund" and that I would have to pay her back before they left because their trip was so important to her. I was never given the option of keeping it or even putting it up for adoption. I was told in no uncertain terms that this was not going to happen. When she got home from work, she had me take the test. I turned positive right away. I wouldn't even look at it. She told me to stop being so selfish, this wasn't all about me, this was her grandchild too. Like I should feel sorry for her, for me doing this to her. She told me which place I was going to, what time I had to be there, and that she would support me by driving me there and back. The morning we got there was hell. I felt sick and scared. I had to fill out a little bit of paperwork. While I was filling it out they came out and gave me 2 Advil to take to help with the pain beforehand. Once I actually go back it all starts to get a little fuzzy. I remember them asking me just a few questions then taking me into the room. The gave me some nitrous oxide gas. I remember feeling so uncomfortable. No one really said anything to me. I started up at the celing. I remember that it was an acoustic tile celing. I counted to holes in the tile above my head and was wishing to be anywhere but there. I remember feeling the suctioning. I remember seeing what used to be a small life gathing on the floor in a container of blood. I don't know if it was a boy or girl. I just know that I was 9 weeks along. They told me that afterwards. They took me into a "recovery room" for an hour and then sent me home with my mom. My mom took her out for breakfast afterwards. I felt sick and nauseous. She ate hers just fine. Then we started on the drive back home. For the next couple of days I felt horrible. I was so sick and I was having horrible cramps. She wouldn't even look at me and forget ever taking me to the dr. She told me that I would be fine and just go back to bed. Now I am married with kids. My darling husband knows that it happened, but does not know any details. After we were married I converted to Catholicism. When I did my First Reconciliation I told my priest, he was so wonderful and supportive. In God's eyes I was absolved and forgiven. I just cannot forgive myself. I have almost no relationship with my mother and she is not really a part of my children's lives either. She is too busy with her life to be concerned with us unless it effects her. I know that I sound bitter towards her, but I really am not. That is just the way our relationship has been since I was a child. I have come to accept that. That is my story.

BaByJ

Posts:9

09/08/2008 3:43 PM
Thank you for having the courage to share! So many stories, so many lives changed forever.

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