This is so hard to do...how do I reveal what's in my heart when I have buried it so deeply for so long...it seems unreal even but my tears tell me otherwise. I had an abortion when I was 19 years old and another one when I was 22...I am now 42.  My first child was conceived when I had a one night stand with a friend.  I was so off the rails as a teenager...my family was very broken and dysfunctional and I ended up living on my own from 16 and got into alcohol and drugs quite heavily - in fact I had been binge drinking and getting in to drugs from 13 or 14 onwards to dull life as much as I could. 

When I became pregnant I at first tried to deny it to myself but my morning sickness was quite severe and I ended up telling a friend - she chose to tell my Dad and his girlfriend without asking my consent and all of a sudden things were out of control.  My Dad, his girlfriend and my Grandmother (I  had no contact with my Mother) all strongly suggested and acted as if an abortion was the only option.  I can understand why they thought like this.  I was so scared but somehow so numb and so aware of the fact that I couldn't even get my own life together that I guess I just accepted their 'advice'.  They are not to blame.  I made my choice.  I made so many wrong choices.  I let myself believe 'it was for the best'. How could I ever look after a child of my own?  How would I ever support myself and a baby.  I knew they thought this and I know I did too.  No one suggested or encouraged adoption - somehow it didn't feel like a real option to me. I visited a counsellor within a day or so of my Dad finding out.  Everything was moving so quickly.  This trained professional counsellor told me that I didn't yet have a baby but just a 'collection of cells' so not to feel bad about choosing abortion - she didn't tell me that I would be choosing to murder my own child...how could I have been so selfish and so deceived. Surely I knew deep down.  It breaks my heart that I willingly believed or accepted these lies.  It is so terribly sad that many still do.

The country that I lived in then didn't permit abortion so I had to travel to another country.  I had to go by myself and I don't know if I have ever been so frightened and alone.  It was like a lamb to the slaughter and my precious baby was the innocent lamb.  I went through it all in a numb stupor - I didn't want to feel - I had learned to shut out feelings from an early age and now I only wanted to run and hide from this terrible nightmare.  But reality can be so shockingly real even when you try so desperately hard to deny it.

A couple of years later I was living in the country I now call home.  I was living and working on a horse farm and quite heavily in to drinking and drugs.  I was in a relationship with another employee and I became pregnant - when I told him I was pregnant I wasn't sure how he'd react...but he quickly left the farm and ran from the situation - before he left (without telling me) he said he wasn't ready to become a father and that he would help financially if I got an abortion - I never heard from him again. 

I told one other employee and we agreed that I couldn't possibly have the baby although I really wanted to - I was at that stage only temporarily in the country with virtually no contact with any family back home.  I remembered their response to my first pregnancy and knew I couldn't tell them about this one.  There would be so much disapproval, guilt and condemnation - there was so much of that already...how could I face more.  I felt so alone and without real choices - or so I thought anyhow.  I don't remember much at all about the clinic but I remember the steely coldness and I know that on the inside I was crying.  My heart was breaking...this was so wrong...I didn't want this...I really didn't want this...I wanted my baby...but how could I...I will never forget waking up from the anaesthetic - I cried myself awake - these tears came from somewhere so deep on the inside.  I felt so much grief no matter how hard I tried to 'switch off' and make myself be numb.  Eventually I learned...

I have tried for so many years to shut away these feelings...my guilt and shame and terrible regret.  Such relentless regret.  I have no children in this world yet I'm a mother and no one can know.  I don't know what to say...

Some years back I gave my heart to Jesus. His love and grace truly have so overwhelmed me and changed my life - I know that He is now gently asking me to deal with this hidden pain and trauma from my past - this is why I am here. 

I know I shouldn't be afraid and yet I am.  I know He gave His life for all my sin and wrong choices.  I know that the Word says that by His stripes I am healed.  I know too that I must receive His forgiveness. Why is it so hard to receive forgiveness?  I know that I must renew my mind and allow His truth to set me free.  Why is this so hard?  Why do these tears just keep coming?

Hischild,

    Welcome to Safe Haven. I found that taking a bible study for abortion was very helpful in my healing. The Ladies in chat can help you to. Have you read Post abortion syndrome listed on this site? The article on forgiveness can ease your mind.

I had an abortion at 16 in 1978. I went thru a lot of pain and heart ache. In 1992, I started a post abortion bible study with a group and I was so relieved that I was not crazy, just hurting. I had tried several times for help and they kind of blew me off. Finally I found disenfranchised grief by Kenneth Doka. This type of grief society does not acknowledge as a loss. I finally had a written statement by someone who understood how deep grief can hurt. I was elated with joy and the stress of my heart disappeared.

This is one of my favorite for my guilt:

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgression to the Lord"- and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5

For my grief,

Be meciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow my soul and my body with grief.
Psalm 31:9


Shortly after the Ashley Smith was held hostage in March of 2005. She was reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. About a week or two later I was out shopping and walked by the book. I thought to myself if that book saved her life, I needed to read it. I am grateful for this book in many ways. I am currently going to a bible group and reading the book for a second time. I have puropse for being here for I have taken an oath to myself to be a servant to the Lord. I have been humble in service.

I think it was before my abortion that I read Rev David Wilkerson's book the Cross and the Switchblade. I don't have my first book, so I was out shopping again and spotted the book. I had to get and read the story again to find the comfort of the first time reading it. Anyway page 80 of this book I had to stop and cry. Rev David said that the touch of God is marked by tears. He had watched the Holy Spirit enter those would were hurting and when the last strongholds is overcome peace will return to you soul. It did all over again.


Cyber hugs,
Patty