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Subject: My first time to bring these feelings outside my head

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5shannon5

Posts:1

05/16/2008 10:06 AM
I am writing this with anxiety hitting every corner of my body as I have never verbally expressed this to anyone. I am 35 and I had an abortion 3 yrs ago, 5/14/05. I was going through a lengthy divorce at 32 and already had a daughter (16 yrs) and I had started seeing another man a few months after my split from my husband of 16 yrs. I don't remember giving being pregnant any thought before the day that LT was at the apartment that my daughter and I were living in and he was hugging me around my stomach and said "your stomach smells like baby powder have you started yet?" and I was thinking how completely rediculous that sounded for two reasons, I don't use baby powder and I was taking the pill so I wasn't even worried about my period. He kept going on and on about my stomach and that smell and that maybe I was pregnant. Fast forward two weeks and I didn't start when I was supposed to, I bought a test and I was indeed pregnant and panicked. I was a newly single mom with a teenager and I didn't want to have any more kids or start a new serious relationship that before I had officially ended my marriage. I was scared, I went through so many feelings, I didn't want my 15 yr old to think her mom was out getting pregnant 6 months after her dad and I split, I didn't want to be that role model for her she had only met LT one time, I didn't want to be a single mother when my daughter and I were barely making it, and I just plain didn't want to have anymore children at that time. So I thought and cried and convinced myself that my only choice was to terminate this pregnancy. I had a friend drive me to the clinic, I remember sitting there looking at all these girls and they all looked ok with it, ( I know that they all were not) I was falling in and out of feeling like I was going to pass out the entire time I was out in the waiting room, tempted to run and not do this. We were called back in groups of eight and I remember the waiting area in the back being very quiet. I was put in a room, the nurse was very nice, she asked if I would like pain medication and I remember thinking that I didn't deserve that and turning her down and then I remember the sound of the vacuum through the walls and it is a sound that I will never forget and Istill hold with me until this day. When the doctor came in he was cold and acted as if he was just removing a wart, never said anything to me except "a little pressure" and then it was done, just like that I had ended a life and I was so overcome with grief! I went to the "recovery" room with the other girls and just cried hysterically. It was a horrible experience for me and I am sorry for all of us who have been through it because it is truly an experience that you have to go through to be able to make any kind of assumptions about the person who has chosen abortion.

Swede

Posts:25

05/16/2008 3:47 PM
Shannon, I'm sorry for your loss. You sure were not in the best of circumstances at the time, and your courage to finally share your story is admirable. I hope that you find the start of healing here at this site. I know I have. Thank you for sharing your story. Each story here is unique, and yet so much the same. Please know you are not alone in your pain, your grief and your regret. I hope to see you in chat, but in the mean time know that you are in my prayers and thoughts! ~Swede

Jessie

Posts:21

05/16/2008 4:27 PM
Hi Shannon, I am very glad that you have come here. It is a relief to let these feelings out after such a period of time. I can't add anything to what Swede said except you're in my thoughts and prayers! I kept my abortion buried deep within for 26 years until last year. Rest assured that you can be healed, in His time.

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