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Subject: GoodBye My Angels

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LeftAlone

Posts:1

02/16/2008 1:04 PM
I could tell this story over and over and over again it still chokes me up and it been 3 years and it will never go away. I could retell it over and over again. Will I learning anything from retelling it I'm not sure..... I'm 27 years old and I really feel like I was forced/coerced into abortion.. I feel like my dad,my aunt and HIM were just looking for a way out... out of the craziness my life created. I was a normal 23 year old college student until I started dating HIM. I dated HIM for 5 years and we talked about marriage and starting a family when we got married. Our wedding was set for May 22, 2005. I was so happy that I finally found someone that could spend the rest of my life with..... Then when July 2 came up that changed my life forever....... It was like a normal day... but I wasn't feeling like myself I felt like I was literally going throw up on my floor because my stomach hurt so bad... so I started to take meds for it and its just made me feel weird inside... but something inside me didn't feel right... My younger sister(whom was only 10 at the time) told me maybe I should go to the dr because the pain was unbearable. So when Monday morning came I went to Care.Net a service in my town and took a preg test to see if it was true. It was the longest day of my life. When I saw the test I sobbed for hours on end. I ended up going to work that evening just to get my mind off it. It didn't help because it got around to my work that I was preg and and I was getting asked every time I turned the darn corner. Well you are probably wonder where HE was during this.His butt was at home hiding from my parents because they wanted to beat the crap outta him. He suggest when I first told him July 2 that I should have an abortion... at that time it didn't even cross my mind.. I told him to go to hell and never mention that again. Finally Wednesday I called my best friend Tara and told her I was preg and I think something was wrong... I went in the hospital around 6pm and was told I was preg with twins and it didn't look very good. One twin wasn't moving and the other just looked like it was trying to abort itself. I just cried so hard because I didn't know what to do during this moment and my parents didn't know till Thursday. This was all in July. So Friday July 9th I decided I couldn't handling going in to work so I called in a quit and never showed up. I then explained (I was pregnant) to my mom I'm in emotional wreck and I am not fit to live by myself right now. So I packed my bags and headed out of state for a couple days...(CT Connecticuit). I argued with him that whole week that I wanted to keep it... but something still inside me still thought something was wrong.. I didn't know what yet. My aunt believe me having an abortion would be whats best for me right now. I talked it over with so many people I just though I was going to just go freakin nuts. At this point my ex decided to tell everyone I wasn't going to come back... so everyone in his family was mad at me because I took off. Well he told me that he wanted children but then found I was preg and told me to have an abortion... yeah thats a real man for you. I finally came back and went to the hospital again for blood tests and it was confirmed that I was having twins and I was 7 wks along... I was still was in state of shock. I went to the Drs a several times in July and my ex never came to either of of the appointments... well he did once when I had my misscarriage with the first twin. After that I was told the other twin wouldn't survive she had a 50/50 chance. According to me it looked that the poor girl was trying to abort herself in the ultra sound pictures. I knew I didn't know the sexes of the twins but in my heart I knew I might be having a girl and a boy Finally July 25 I was forced to call the clinic and made an appointment and called to tell my ex that I wasn't sure if I wanted an abortion.. He demanded I have it.. then He agreed and said he would help out with my bills/car and rent.. yeah he talked the talked and didn't do crap....well wait he did but he was 4weeks late on my car payment.. then complained that I owed him.. what stupid stupid little man. My parents ended up paying for this ab... that wasn't suppose to happen. HE was suppose it pay for it. So Tuesday July 26 My dad and I drove to the clinic because my ex couldn't get the day off. So I went in for an ultra sound and found out I wasn't the only one going through with this.. I saw about 5 othe woman but all older than I... I felt a bit comforted knowing I wasn't the only one there..... but when they did the utlra sound again they said I was 8wks 3days along and asked me if I wanted a picture. I started sobbing and said no thank you.. She said please don't cry... its o.k. you are doing the right thing I promise. I wanted to believe her so bad. But what I couldn't tell her was I was forced/coerced into having the abortion. The Wednesday July 27 came up fast... I was only able to eat grapes.. I wasn't told if I was suppose to eat of not and slept all the way there why my ex drove me to the clinic. I started crying when we pulled up because I saw some protestors and I just back up like I was going back to the car. He guarded me and told me it was o.k. and I'm doing this for him and I will back to normal self after words ( but little did I know he was going to be gone 5 days later) They tried to calm me down and said "If you can't stop crying we can't do this procedure." I suppose to be put under when they did the procedure but for some reason the drug they gave me didn't work and I felt everything and it was the longs 10 mins of my life.. I tried to hold my tears in.... I did. I kept telling the Dr. "I hurt I hurt" He was like I almost have the Fetus.." Thats when I cried harder. I went to the recovery room for about 2hrs and then I remember I was in the car so I don't remember the in between after the abortion procedure. I sobbed in the car. I was in such pain.... I cried for hours and days on end. 5 days later in July it would be 31st... I ended it with my ex and I was officially single.. and dealing with the pain of not having my babies anymore. I'm trying to cope but it hard because when I have my period now I feel the pain all over again and I just wanted break down again. But I don't because I know the feel is just my imagination making me break down.. so I just go about my day and just keep myself busy. I am learning that there was a reason why I was talked into abortion.. but God hasn't shown me why yet... maybe in dream or maybe in a future. My aunt believe me having an abortion would be whats best for me right now. I talked it over with so many people I just though I was going to just go frekain nutz. At this point my ex decided to tell everyone I wasn't going to come back... so everyone in his family was mad at me because I took off. Well he told me that he wanted children but then found I was preg and told me to have an abortion... yeah that a real man for you. I finally came back and went to the hospital again for blood tests and it was confirmed that I was having twins and I was 7 wks along... I was still was in state of shock. I went to the Drs a several times in July and my ex never came to either of them... well he did once when I had my misscarriage with the first twin. After that I was told the other twin wouldn't sirvive she had a 50/50 chance. According to me it looked that the poor girl was tryingto abort herself in the ultra sound pictures. Finally July 25 I called a the clinic and made an appointment and called to tell my ex I am going to do this because its bedical related and it seems like the right decision. He agreed and said he would help out with my bills/car and rent.. yeah he talked the talked and didn't do crap.... oops he did but he was 4weeks late on my carpayment.. stupid man. My parents ended up paying for this ab... that wasn't suppose to happen. So Tuesday July 26 My dad and I drove to the clinic because my ex couldn't get the day off. So I went in for an ultra sound and found out I wasn't the only one going through with this.. I saw about 5 othe woman but all older than I... I felt a bit comforted knowing I wasn't the only one there..... but when they did the utlra sound again they said I was 8wks 3day along and asked me if I wanted a picture. I started sobbing and said no thank you.. She said please don't cry... its o.k. you are doing the right thing I promise. I wanted to believe her so bad. The Wensday July 27 came up fast... I ate a big breakfast and slept on the way there why my ex drove me to the clinic. I started crying when we pulled up because I saw some protestors and I just back up like I was going back to the car. He guarded me and told me it was o.k. and that he was there. ( little did I know he was going to be gone 5 days later) I suppose to be put under when they did the procedure but for some reason the drug they gave me didn't work and I felt everything and it was the longs 10 mins of my life.. I tried to hold my tears in.... I did.. then went I left ( 1hr later ) I sobbed in the car. I was in such pain.... I cried for hours and days on end. 5 days later in July it would be 31st... I ended it with my ex and I have been single.. and dealing with the pain of not having my babies anymore. I'm trying to cope but it hard because when I have my period now I feel the pain all over again and I just wanted break down again. But I don't because I know the feel is just my imagination making me break down.. so I just go about my day and just keep myself busy. I am learning that there was a reason why I chose to abort.. but God hasn't shown me why yet... maybe in dream or maybe in a future relationship or pregancy.

CarolineMarie DD: March/Apri AngelDate: July 27,2004 HarrisonMichael DD: March/April AngelDate: July 16,2004

Chris

Posts:1

02/24/2008 5:41 PM
Hi my dear. Youa sk why God hasn't shown you why yet. It took me over 20years to figure out why. I was and scared. My boyfriend talked me into the abortion.MY parents hated him and I felt I had no other choice.When did God show me? Over 20 years later. I had been happily marries with 2 daughters for 15 years. One morning I picked up the morning paper while drinking my morning coffee and there was the reason.The ex boyfriend had been arrested for multipy count of child molestation. He has been accused and finally convicted of more than 20 counts.He lived in a trailer park in town and would befriend the neightborhood kids and then , molest them. I knew at that moment that God answered my question"why?"He sparred my child the abuse he or she most likely would have suffered at his/her fathers hands. Rest assured God will answer.

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