I'm sorry you're having a terrible time with it. I finally went to my family doctor when I had such intense feelings, and he helped tremendously. He put me in touch with our local crisis pregnancy center and they were very helpful.

Do you have a local crisis pregnancy center? Very often they have a 24 hour line you can call and speak to someone too.

I am going to pray for you right now, that you feel calmer and can seek help. You're not alone in what you feel, that's for sure. I remember very well how frightening my feelings were. You'll get through it!

Amy

greeneyes,

It sounds like you've begun a true path to healing and that's really wonderful! I am very happy and hopeful for you. The words you use to describe what you're going through tell me that you are opening your heart to God's healing and there's nothing more soothing than His love and forgiveness. When I went through a post abortion class I learned that I had to work next on forgiving myself too. That is a daily practice and I'm getting better at it.

Thanks for checking back in to let me know how you're doing! I admit I worried shen we didn't hear back from you right away. Keep in touch!

((((greeneyes))))

Amy

Dear AmyPhillips and Patty,

Thank you both so much for your replies. Today has not been good and the positive feelings I had last night have gone. It seems to be that I feel terrible most days, and then I might get a few hours one day where I feel a bit better, and then it's back to feeling terrible again. I imagine feeling this low for the rest of my life and it scares me so much. I think about my baby every single second of the day, and sometimes I think maybe I am just not able to get over this, or deal with it, or ever feel okay again - apart from a few hours here and there. I love my son with all my heart, and now when i am with him I just feel so ashamed and guilty. I try to think of all the reasons I did what I did - how hard it was when I had my son alone, and how frightened I was of going back to the start with another baby on my own, how horrified my family would have been that I could let the same thing happen again, that I would be hurting and confusing my son by bringing a baby into his life when things are hard enough for us now, that he had just started to get to know his father again after almost ten years of being without him, and then I let the same thing happen again, I get pregnant again, by the same man, a man who is almost thirty years older than me and who barely contributes to my son's life as it is...a man I do not love and do not want in my life...I am still in college, finishing a phd, I don't even have a job at the moment, I rely on social welfare, I can barely pay my rent, the list goes on and on...and I think of all these things on a real and practical level, and I did what I did out of total fear, that it would kill my seventy year old mother and father who are very strict catholics and found it hard enough the first time around, and who think I am finally on the way to getting a better life for myself and my son, and to let them down again, to have them worry and start all over again..I am getting upset here, and at the end of the day, all I can do is cry for the baby I didn't allow to be born, and all those reasons are still real, and I am so confused. I was always 'against' abortion, it never entered my mind when I had my son, I am adopted and wanted my own flesh and blood, I just couldn't have done it then - but then after ten years alone with a child, hardly any money, seeing how long it took to build up a relationship with my family, to do it all again just seemed unbearable. They will never know about it, it would probably kill them even more to know I did this, they are very religious and they abhor abortion. I feel I am not the same girl they love, I am not the girl they think I am. I feel like a fake and a liar and a hypocrite. Even around my son, I feel like a fake mother. When I am like this, I can't imagine ever being okay, I just want to get into bed and cry. I can't get stoned or drink because it just gets worse, so I have to sit with these feelings and I torture myself imagining how much everyone would hate me if they knew what I did, and I wish I had been stronger and fought to protect my baby, like I did for the son I have. I get so angry at my son's father, he offered me no other option, he didn't try to protect the baby either. He just said he would 'support my decision', and in doing that, he heaped all the responsibility onto me. All he did was pay for it. He never once held my hand and said he would be there for me and the baby, that he would help, he just shut his mouth and watched me destroy a life. I hate him for it. He even said to me that he doesn't believe it's a baby until it comes out of the womb, which makes me sick. I want to send him pictures of what it really looks like, so he can't bury his head from the responsibility of what has happened anymore. I am very angry at him, and I know it's futile and it doesn't help me, but it's the way I feel. I contacted him because I wanted my son to know his father, and all he did was buy me marijuana and alcohol and push his way into my life with presents and money. I am sorry, I know I must sound horrible, but that's my anger, it takes me over. And I have to live with this heartache, and I know he isn't suffering at all. And I want him to suffer. 
I just want my baby back. I want to feel like a mother again and not a fraud. 

greeneyes,

I am so sorry you're struggling so. Sharing your grief and your fears are a good thing. Just sharing them here takes away some of their power over you.

You used the word "fraud" in describing how you feel. I can sure relate to that. When I was going through the most intense feelings of stress regarding my abortion, I felt like everything I had accomplished or been admired for was just fraud, like I had tricked people into thinking I was a good person when in reality I was "hiding" this horrible thing that made me a bad person. I've since learned that that's exactly what the enemy wanted me to think, that I didn't have any value to offer to anyone. But that's not true for me, and it certainly isn't true for you either.

When we ask the Lord for forgiveness He gives it to us completely. And He loves us so much it tears Him up to watch us beat ourselves up and be tricked into thinking we're not worth anything.

Your words reveal a gentle and loving soul that wants to provide a good life for her son and who doesn't want to trivialize what's been done in the past. Those are really marvelous qualities and the Lord will use them in the process of healing you and making you a new person. He really does want to have a personal relationship with you and have the opportunity to shower His love on you.

Press through today, stop to listen to God and ask Him to help you open your heart to His love and healing. You're in my prayers each day - try not to feel too alone, its easy to let that lie sound real too, but its  a lie. The Lord is with you and many here are praying for you.

The two bible studies that I work with to walk women through abortion related healing are: H.E.A.R.T (Healing the Effects of Abortion Related Trauma) and Forgiven and Set Free. Did you get to find out if a local Crisis Pregnancy Center or Pregnancy Resource Center near you offers anything like that?

In Him,
Amy

(((((greeneyes)))))  Grace and peace to you and AmyPhillips and Patty,

I am so very proud of you and each of the ladies that begins their healing by sharing here on the message boards.   I don't think I could have said it any better than AmyPhillips or Patty has already, but let me encourage you in this: you will not always feel this way.  I can see by your postings that you are well on your way even though it may not even come close to feeling that way now.  The reason I am able to say this is that I, too, experienced all that you are describing, but I am now "on the other side" having experienced the hope and healing that has been described.

Please allow me to encourage you in the fact that it is so very typical for us to have an extremely down day right after having a "good" day.  The devil tries with all he can muster to steal our joy, to make us feel as if we are not making progress in our healing.  The realitiy is that you are making progress in your healing.  Listening to praise music, reading or reciting scriptures, praying, etc. even when we don't feel like it can truly help.

I too would encourage you to come into chat when you are able.  Please check out the schedule for moderated chat.  There are so many wonderful ladies who will encourage you even more.

(((((group hugs)))))

Patty,

Thank you so much for your message, and I hope you are feeling okay. Yes, I would be interested in getting those site details from you.

I am back to feeling pretty terrible, after last week, which was a weird week. I didn't feel better, my pain had just seemed to disappear and instead of sadness, I felt very angry and short-tempered, and I do not want to be like that. If healing is possible, and I only say 'if', because to be honest, I can't imagine ever feeling okay again, I want to come through this a better person, more patient, kinder, more compassionate...I don't want to be angry and bitter.
Well the pain is back, and I am thinking of my baby and wishing to turn back time and hating myself for not thinking properly two years ago, and for not trying harder to kep my baby. I am terrified that, because I have always had problems with depression, i can never get through this, that it will just beocme another obsession with me, always there, always dragging me down. And I feel selfish even saying that - I denied my baby life, and yet I think I deserve a good one? It is, as I am sure you know, awful. I look at strangers in the street and think 'I bet they didn't do what I did / If they knew what I did they would think I am a hypocrite, walking around with my son, pretending to be a loving mother, when I have paid to get my baby taken out of my body'. Terrible terrible balck thoughts of suicide, but I know I can't go there, because I cannot leave my son. Jealous of pregnant women, new babies, I feel angry at the world, that I couldn't keep my baby because of my situation, but I know it's not the 'world's' fault, it's mine. I get so angry at myself for not thinking properly at the time, for panicking and rushing into this, getting it done as soon as I could so the baby wouldn't grow anymore. I look back on that time and I do not know what I was doing - I have always always been 'anti' abortion, I had my first child young  and in lonely circumstances, but now I have done it anyway, and I just ate that I can't turn back time, I drive myself insane thinking about it. 

Also, a few weeks ago, in a terrible state, I rang the nun who I went to for help when I had my son. She ran a service for single mothers and she helped me so much. She was shocked when I told her, and even though she said she loved me no matter what I did, I know she is disappointed with me, I worked so hard to keep my son, and I am so ashamed that I told her that I had an abortion. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but I wish I hadn't told her, she didn't need to know, and it's not like she is even really in my life or offers any support now. I was just so upset, and I thought maybe she could help. I know now that only I can help myself, along with the support I receive here, and God, and my counsellor.
A woman I met a couple of weeks ago, she runs a post-abortion retreat service, has advised me to go on one of the retreats. It is on this weekend, and I think I might go because I feel so desperate for anything that might help. I am scared though, incase it just makes me worse, seeing other women as upset as I am. 

I have a horrible feeling that I will punish myself forever, no matter how many counselling sesions I attend, how often I pray, I am just so scared that what I have done is so outside my moral boundaries that I can never forgive myself. 
PLease tell me I am wrong.



 

Dear Patty,

Thank you so much for that list - you are very kind.

I haven't been in touch in a while, I hope everything is okay with you, and everyone else.

I went on the Rachel's Vineyard retreat one week before Christmas, and while it was very difficult and extremely sad, I have to say, it has helped so much. It is a beautifully organised weekend, very spiritual, and very diginified, and I would encourage anyone who is going through a hard time to find one of these retreats and go. I know they are held all over the world - I am sure if people look up Rachel's Vineyard, they will find information, wherever they are. I cried from the beginning to the end of the weekend, and at times I just wanted to leave, because it was very painful for me, but I am so gald I stayed and went through it. The way in which all of the issues regarding post-abortion syndrome are dealt is very gentle, very spiritual, and I felt very glad that I had honoured my baby by going, by making that physical and mental effort. I cannot speak highly enough of it.

One small word of warning though: I was told I would feel much better after I went, and to be honest, I was just so exhausted and drained from all the crying and the emotions that I did not. So please don't expect an immediate 'cure' (at times, the testimonials on the websites suggest that - and for some people, they get that, but not me). It took at least a week afterwards for it to sink in , and now I feel so glad I went - more in the sense that I honoured my baby, I went through that weekend for her, and the memorial service on the last day was an extremely beautiful and moving experience. Things have been getting gradually calmer for me - I don't cry as much as I used to ( it was pretty constant for many months) and I am praying and turning to God for strength throughout the day, which is helping me so much. I can't believe I am about to write this, after all I have been through, and the intense sadness and pain I have been going through, but....there IS hope. I never thought there was, and I thought I was 'different', that I was doomed forever because of my abortion - but no. There is hope, and there is healing, and I am so grateful to this site and the kind women on it who have messaged me. It is a wonderful comfort to know that I am not alone, especially on those dark, dark nights which we all know so well. Reaching out, and prayer, are really what has worked for me - and while I know I will never, ever forget my baby, I will carry her within my heart and soul forever, I  now know that I do not have to spend each day in that terrible dark misery. THere will always be those days, but God is there, and He does not want us to suffer so terribly. Just talking to Him helps, He knows our hearts and our terrible regret. He knows if we could have done it differently, we would have. We are all on this site because we regret our abortions. We all love and want our babies with us, but we must let God mind them until we can be them again in heaven. God, and our babies, do not want us to waste the rest of our lives in pain over our mistakes. That would be fruitless. We can honour Him, and our little babies, by reaching out to others, and by helping those in pain.

God Bless all the women out there who are suffering because of past abortions. I am praying for every single one of you.
X