On June 17th of this year, I did something I promised myself I would never do again.  I terminated a pregnancy for the second time.  I had a previous abortion on 2/13/04.  I have never recovered from the first one and yet I did it again.  I am feeling like a terrible person.  I knew the pain and heartache this would cause if I did it again, but I just couldn't face my family being a single and pregnant.  Not only that but I am not ready to give up my life and think about someone else, which is very selfish and wrong of me.  I also am in a relationship with a guy that I just do not want to be with and the thought of having a child with him and being forever tied to him made me cringe.  All of these are things I should have thought about beforehand but I didn't and here I am.  I have never been able to forgive myself for the first one and now I have two.  The most recent one brought all the pain back from the first time and it is so unbearable. 

I made the biggest mistake of my life terminating this second pregnancy.  What if that was my last chance to have children ever and I just ended it?  I have endometriosis, ovarian cysts and have suffered two miscarriages as well.  I can't stop thinking about it.  I just want to turn back time and still be pregnant.  The tears don't seem to ever stop and the pain just seems to be getting worse.  Is there hope?  I just feel so lost and sad all the time now.  Is there really such a thing as forgiveness when you can't even forgive yourself?

I know how much it hurts now, and you will worry if that was your only chance to have a baby.... but I want to tell you my story as it may give you some hope.

I have PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome) and too have cysts on my ovaries and find it extremely hard to conceive. I found out I was pregnant just a few days after my 21st. I had been with my boyf for nearly 3 years but we had no money, nowhere to live and he was leaving for 6 months as he was a sailor in the Navy. I was being made redundant from my job and there was noway we could bring up a baby. Also like you, I too was feeling trapped and that I didnt want his baby as our relationship was failing. So, we decided to terminate the pregnancy. All I could think about after was what if it was my only chance to have a baby? What if my punishment is that I would never be able to have a baby?

I went through some dark times like you are feeling now but a year and a bit later I have come to peace with my decision. You made the right decision for you, and as hard as it is, you have to forgive yourself. You are not a bad person, you are brave and courageous to make the decision. Having a baby in a loveless relationship is no good for anybody especially not the baby. We are all here for you and we know that you are not a bad person at all.

I despite my fertility problems am now a Mum and have a beautiful, happy baby daughter. I feel so blessed everyday. I dont regret my abortion as it was the right thing for me at the time. But I too felt the way you do and I want you to have faith that you feel forgive yourself in time. You will be ok and I hope and I believe you will have a child one day. No one is punishing you but yourself. You are such a strong person and you did the right thing for you. I hope my story brings you some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

xxxx take care xxxx