I am 25 and just ended my first pregnancy in abortion yesterday. I believe that it is murder, and I believe that I chose to play God and kill a baby that He was knitting together in my womb.

I have been in ministry and on staff at church for many years and knew that when people heard about it, my reputation and witness would be ruined forever. The father is a man I have had a very unhealthy on and off relationship with for over 2 years now. My family and most of my friends hate him, but I have chosen to forgive him for our troubled past and we started fresh a month ago. My family does not know we are speaking again - they have made it clear they can't stand him and they don't believe he is the one for me.

I couldn't bear the thought of having to tell me parents not only was their "God fearing daughter" pregnant out of wedlock, the father was a man that they can't stand for understandable reasons.

I chose to have the abortion without telling the father I was pregnant, but ended up telling him after it was done. It has devastated him and I'm waiting for it to be the final blow to end our on and off relationship. I love him deeply and had planned on starting over and building something new and healthy... but I know the statistics, and now after this choice, the odds are against us. The odds are against me going through this process without dealing with depression (which I already struggle with), suidical thoughts, remorse etc.

I found out I was pregnant and had the abortion in less than a week. And there was no question in my heart - I always knew if I got pregnant I would do it. I know what God says about it and I do fear God but sadly I fear man and man's opinion more.

Being married and having children is my number one desire, and as I laid on the table for the sonogram, I kept thinking, this is not how it was supposed to be. I want children so badly... but I chose to murder mine.

Where do I even start in the healing process? How do I even begin to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness? It's only been 24 hours... but my heart is truly repentive and I regret my decision already... is it too soon for God to forgive me? I feel like I should suffer a lot longer before I can begin to work towards healing.

I am so glad I found this board and it is a relief and comfort to my heart to read experiences from other believers. I believe that every woman who has an abortion suffers great loss and guilt - but what about those of us who "knew better" or who even judged others for abortions? What about those of us who God has set apart to be a light to the world - and we do something as hideous as killing our child?

- Bri

Bri,

   Welcome to Safe Haven. I had my abortion back in 1978. I was soon filled with grief and hate. I have found healing thru a bible study for post abortion guilt. We are forgiven as soon as we ask for it. We understand the pain and the journey that is ahead of you. We can be your guides, the chat room is available for you at scheduled times on this site.  Please know that you are not alone with all the consquences of our abortion.


Patty